KTB

Did we mention that it's been a slow day here? Well, it has.

Here at KTB, we shy away from political conversation. We're not good at that stuff. We're much better at getting drunk and being thrown into swimming pools. Now that's our forte.

That's why in these polarized times, we're going to link you to some excellent reading material. We feel that living in New York (especially Union Square), we're subjected to one party line without any representation from the other side. A balance of ideas is a good thing. Hearing "Bush = Hitler" all day long does get wearisome too.

So in the meantime, definitely check these blogs out:

instapundit
Protestwarrior
brain-terminal
John Kerry's The New Soldier
BuzzMachine
Mattmargolis.com

It's a slow day here at KTB hq. Besides for the party in the Garden and spoiled white kids protesting, we're really at a loss for posting material.

But this is pretty cool. Apple's new iMac computer is built right into the flat screen. There's no luggage. Just a monitor, mouse and keyboard. That's it. Weighing in at 18.5 pounds, they're probably a tad heavy to lug from place to place but you easily could if the need arose. And they start at $1,299.00.

The Borat Soundboard - hook this up to a nearby phone and you'll be pranking for hours.

Micro$oft to launch it's own music store. How will this affect Apple's iTunes?

The Best of CL includes

The Perfect Hipster Accessory
A Free Rubber Band
I HATE everything...
I grabbed your boobs on sunset - Love at first site

I have just come back from what was one of the drunkest weekends of my life. Surprisingly, I wasn't in N'Awlins, Tijuana nor Amsterdam. No. I was in a tiny town in upstate New York called Amenia. And I have the newly formed Sersen family to thank for this debacle of a weekend wedding.

Posting and details will follow once the boys upstairs lose some of their numbness. As of now, anything more than "Chicken parm, extra sauce" is difficult to think about.

I am speechless.

It's not often that we are completely blown away by a rock album. Usually, we listen to it a few times, make some mental notes and move on. That's not happening now.

Chesterwhite & His Orchestra deliver a breathtaking sound and beat in this new album of their's. The iPod has been tuned to this album and nothing else. There's not enough good to say about it.

Go to chesterwhite.com and get the album. Me thinks you can even download the songs for free there.

We thought that our Eye-talian friend Don Giovanni was exclusively photographed and portrayed in the pages of KTB.

We were wrong. Browsing today's Gawker, guess what we stumbled upon?

Today's Page Six shows us an "Early Favorite" in the upcoming Bravo reality show "Project Runway"

August 27, 2004 -- ASPIRING designer Austin Scarlett made a splash with his sexy Monroe-esque swimsuit design for Elite model Melissa Haro at the Project Runway/Elle magazine party at Hiro. Project Runway, hosted by Heidi Klum and set to air on Bravo this fall, is already in the thick of its elimination process, with just six aspiring designers left. Haro, who had ginger ale in her champagne flute, turned out to be 16 and had her mother discreetly chaperoning as she mingled with the likes of Frederic Fekkai, John McDonald and Bobby Zarem. Austin, a native New Yorker, seems to have true star power.

Unfortunately, it's a man and he's from Jersey. Ain't gonna work out. But he does have one of the better personal ads we've read yet.

He is looking for: Looking for a partyer who also likes to ski a lot. I like to stay up late and usually smoke while drinking scotch or beer depending on what i have at home.

His idea of the perfect first day: Drinking and smoking butts together and maybe taking a ski trip. I'm not much of a talker when sober.

What he's learned from his past relationships: That people who dont drink are boring and expect things from you.Skiing makes you very happy and is good for conversation.

Ladies, need we say more. This man is available, employed (he's an auto mechanic) and very eligible. How can this be?

The whole ad can be read at AmericanSingles.com.

Seizures, cocaine, Big Brother controlling our every waking minute. Yes, we're onto something here.

Because even a single seizure every few months still prevents patients from safely doing everyday things like driving and cocaine, doctors have as their goal the complete and total prevention of all seizures.

The bitch has totally lost her shit.
[via stereogum]

We were more than pleasantly surprised at what was Team USA's best game in the Olympics thus far. Led by New York Knick point guard, Stephon Marbury, Team USA rallied and defeated Spain by a score of 102-94. Marbury set a new Olympic record by scoring 31 points. Charles Barkley and some Yugoslav dude previously had the record at 30 points.

Marbury shot 6 for 9 from the three point arc and had 4 assists in his 30 minutes of playing time. It was a different player on the court than the Marbury we've seen so far. He played with confidence, tenacity and an overall aggressiveness that's been missing for the past 3 weeks. It was a thing of beauty to watch and vie root for. Besides his excellent offensive play, Marbury made a key defensive stop in the 4th quarter. Outnumbered two to one against a Spanish fast break, Marbury was able to steal the ball from the Spanish player as the Spaniard attempted to pass it to the open man. This was a huge stop in the waning minutes of the game.

OK, enough about Marbury already. You get the point and we're off his tip for now.

Unfortunately, we do have something negative to dwell on. In today's Times, Lebron James was quoted as saying

"We have one job, to win the gold medal, but we don't think it's a failure if we don't accomplish that,"

We will have a summation of Team USA's victory over Spain a little later today.

In the meantime, this video comes to us via Mikey J. We can't really describe it until you've watched it. It's AMAZING and may be the FUNNIEST shit we've ever seen. Yes, even despite the fact that we're on opposite sides of the political see-saw. NSFW. Click here to watch Fuck New York.

The Repubs are coming to town and we've noticed a significant increase in police activity in our neighborhood. Just last nite, while walking the hound in Union Square Park, we saw Parks Police Officers patrolling the area. This is unusual because the NYPD is usually patrolling the park, but last nite, there was both NYPD and Parks Police among the throng of breakdancers, protesters, communists and "normal" folk.

We also noticed an undercover police car which was disguised as a NYC yellow cab. That's a first for us. We've seen undercover vans, Town Cars and Impalas but never a taxi.

On top of that, this morning's police activity in and around Union Square was more stringent than usual. Again, while walking the hound in the park, we noticed an NYPD cruiser circle inside the park at least twice while we were there. Also an undercover NYPD van circled the inner limits of the park AND the Parks Police were out in their Smart Cars waking vagrants and hobos. KTB is not a fan of vagrants and hobos in case you weren't aware. Can't we ship them somewhere like Staten Island or something? Please.

In any event, we have definitely noticed an increase in police activity in our hood. Make of that what you will but we are guessing that Union Square will be a center stage of protests and such activity during the RNC.

KTB does not condone the killing and/or sniping of trouble making protesters.

H-I-P

Team KTB finally got our permission slip signed and our excursion was under way. We braved across the East River much like Lewis and Clark across the Mid-West. We were going into unchartered waters. Would the natives be friendly or would they attack our trespassing ass? Our destination: Williamsburg.

Surprisingly, we found the locals to be quite apathetic. They weren't cantankerous. Nor were they docile. They just were. As soon as we saw a hipster (it didn't take long), we revived our camera and began snapping photos. Unlike the gorillas at the Bronx Zoo, our little hipster was not scared of the black, shiny object. In fact, he played and posed for the camera and we ate it all up. The friendly hipster even had the wherewithal to join us for brunch (as long as we paid of course). So we bought our little hipster a Bud (they were out of PBR) and downed a meaty burger while he watched.

We took some photos of a hipster selling her wares on the street. Either that or it was a moving sale. We also had a few beers at Rosemary's Bar. We loved Rosemary's. Outside of MSG, it was by far and away the coldest draft beer we'd ever had. And the fact that they primarily served Bud on tap made us smile from ear to ear. Yaaaaaaaaay Rosemary's. We can't wait to get sloshed and fall asleep on their window still. But that's a tale for another day.

The rest of the pix in the series are here.

Hey, would you really buy something that came out of this trollop's Britney's mouth? We guess some people would. An enterprising ebayer is now offering "Britney Spear-mint". Yes, now you can own a piece of Britney herself.
[via jjb]

The wait is FINALLY over!!!! The new and improved Bobby Dukes website is finally up and running. Kudos to Geekinger and Rev. Sersen Sneed for doing a fantastic job with the site.

In case you're wondering who in the world Bobby Dukes is, here's a little snippet to tide you over:

Banned for ten years from the sport he helped bring to the masses, Paintballs first superstar, Bobby Dukes, returns to reclaim his title and erase the memory of his tainted past. As a teenager, with explosive style and charisma, Bobby led his team, the River Rats, to an unprecedented three consecutive victories at the The Hudson Valley Paintball Classic, the premier paintball tournament on the East Coast.

Also check out KTB's extensive archives chronicling Bobby Dukes' vast festival accolades.

Owen Burke who plays Pistol Pete in the funniest movie we've seen this year was rocking a Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story t-shirt on VH1's A to Z with Guns n' Roses. Big ups to Owen for helping spread the word of this tear inducing comedy.

If you're wondering what's up with the ghetto photography, please note most of our paycheck goes to support our crack and skank habits. It's no wonder we find ourselves knee deep in hookers and gin on a weekly basis.

Happy Birthday to SWEETPERA. You know who you are - you dirty, little Russian.

Sweetpera will be celebrating his birthday over wings and pitchers of beer at Down the Hatch. All are welcome.

Last nite was our annual fantasy football draft. All our studying, all our research, all our hoping and waiting finally culminated as we picked our 2004/2005 fantasy football squad.

We were given the 7th overall pick. Needless to say, Priest went first, LT was second. By the time it was our turn to pick, the top backs left were Edgerrin James - Ind and Jamal Lews - Bal. The first six picks went quick. The seventh pick was slow and worrisome. Fuck, we thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Jamal Lewis is a stud and he's coming off a career season rushing for over 2,000 yards. Whereas Edgerrin is also a stud but he's coming off a so-so season. What to do, what to do. We rolled the dice and we chose Edgerrin. He's got Peyton throwing to him. He's got Marvin drawing the safeties downfield. He's also in a contract year. Fuck it. We made our choice. We're standing by it. Sure enough, Jamal Lewis was the 8th pick.

Our draft went for 21 rounds. It started at 6pm. We got ouf here at 830pm. I don't know about you but that's a long, long draft. And we didn't have any beer. We're lame. Yes, that is true.

Not that anyone cares, but here is Team KTB in all it's glory. The number next to the player corresponds to the round in which they were chosen:

1. Edgerrin James - RB - Ind
2. Kevan Barlow - RB - San Fran
3. Chad Johnson - WR - Cin
4. Curtis Martin - RB - NYJ
5. Jerry Porter - WR - Oak
6. Marc Bulger - QB - StL
7. Justin McCarreins - WR - NYJ
8. Stephen Jackson - RB - Stl
9. Daniel Graham - TE - NE
10. Adam Vinateiri - K - NE
11. Quincy Morgan - WR - Cle
12. Eddie Kennison - WR - KC
13. Larry Johnson - RB - KC
14. Tennessee Defense
15. Najeh Davenport - RB - GB
16. Rich Gannon - QB - Oak
17. Erron Kinney - TE - Ten
18. Chester Taylor - RB - Bal
19. Antwaan Randle El - WR - Pit
20. Aaron Elling - K - Min
21. Leonard Henry - RB - Mia

Compared to yesterday's bombshell of a blind item, today's Page Six blind item lacks the luster. But it does make us ponder nonetheless. They quip

August 24, 2004 -- WHICH owner of three Manhattan lounge/clubs routinely refills bottles of top-shelf vodka with cheapo brands? Some patrons who order Belvedere, Grey Goose, Ketel One and even Absolut notice the difference and send back their drinks -- but haven't convinced management to halt the profitable scam . . .

"I've never seen a white man run that fast," said Grenada's Alleyne Francique, who was supposed to be Wariner's biggest threat but finished fourth. "It was a blazing race, man. The kid is good."
Run you white devil! Run!

We're done covering this nightmare of a "team" here. No more blurbs. No more love.

Instead, we're going to post one of our anonymous reader's remarks about this woeful bunch:

silly n*****s. don't know how to win. know how to go shopping. what have iverson, kidd, marbury, james, etc...... ever won?? maybe some high school stuff, but never anything real. give me a michael jordan, or larry bird. someone who wants to not only beat you. but make you cry in the process, and then take the ball home with them. none of these guys has a killer instinct. they are just happy to make it to the show. that to them was all they ever wanted in life. fame, riches, bitches, who gives a f*** about really trying to win.

A Mercedes-Benz Unimog. According to our source, it's got 18 gears, 9 in reverse, goes for about $30G (we're not sure if used or new), has a top speed of about 80 mph and since it's diesel (not the gay Vin type), it gets about 60 miles per gallon. Not bad if we say so ourselves.

If your German is up to par, you can read all about the Unimog here.
[Thanks Pepe]

OMG, we totally forgot we had a website. Oooops, our bad.

Today's Page Six has a delicious blind item:

WHICH actress who starred in a blockbuster movie trilogy has been spotted at grungy downtown nightspots smoking crack? The soused starlet invited a fellow patron to take a hit in the bathroom, but was politely turned down when distinctive white crack smoke billowed from her glass pipe. Dazed but unfazed, she turned her attention back to her pipe and took another hit.

UPDATE: We've been pondering over this one all day. It's not often that young Hollywood actresses are reported to be sucking the glass dick in a grungy downtown bar. Cocaine, yes. Weed, yes. Crack, not really.

This is what we've come up with. According to the hint, it's an "actress who starred in a blockbuster movie trilogy." The only blockbuster trilogies that come to mind are Lord of the Rings and Matrix.

Now, assuming it was an actress from one of those series, we'd guess that it was either Liv Tyler or Carrie-Anne Moss (aka Trinity). BUT Liv Tyler's preggers and you must assume that she would not kill her baby like that and Carrie-Anne is just too damn old to be whoofing down crack like that in public. Decision, decisions children. Whoever could it be then?

Well how about this: Spiderman is set to be a trilogy is it not? Spiderman I came out a while back. Spiderman II is still playing in theatres and Spiderman III is in pre-production. That's right. There's a third installment of the Spidey series in the works. Now who plays the big female lead in this series? It's none other than Kirsten Dunst. Or should we say Kirsten "Nino Brown is ma dawg" Dunst. We're just as shocked by this as you are.

Please note, this is only a guess and nothing more. We have never smoked crack with Kirsten Dunst, though given the chance, we'd be puff, puff give all over that shit yo.

KTB will be bringing the Google IPO to you live.

11:25 AM - The bidding has begun. Market maker NFSC is bidding 140 for GOOG. LEGG is bidding for 100 stock joined by WIEN. People are nervous with anticipation. Will it touch 200? Or will it bottom out around 50?

11:30 AM - Best bid 100. Some offers at 90. Shit is all fucked up.

11:33 AM - New low offer of 89 by FLCR. ARCA still bidding 100 though. The tension is thick. Reverend Sersen Sneed just belched.

11:36 AM - Official opening time is 11:40 AM Eastern time.

11:36 AM - Make of if what you will but YHOO just popped for $1 topping out at 28.84. Similarly, Ask Jeeves (ASKJ:NASD) just went 40 cents.

11:39 AM - One minute to go. 100 bid by ARCA and 90 offer by UBSW.

11:41 AM - 200 BID ARCA!!!!!!!!!! Immediately pulled. Still no trades.

11:42 AM - 101 ARCA bid. Still no trades. Sersen just belched. Again.

11:43 AM - 100 shares reported to trade at 140.92 by Nasdaq. No clue if this is real or not.

11:44 AM - Nope. Sale did NOT happen at 140.92. Still nothing. Entire market place has come to a standstill. Nothing trading. Nothing moving. All eyes on GOOG.

11:46 AM - CNBC goes to commercial. Weak. What if it opens? Where is the real time reporting? Here, baby, here....

11:48 AM - Time Warner just made a new intraday high. So did Amgen. Who cares!!! I want my GOOG.

11:50 AM - Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!! Black Cloud just hovered into the office. After a two month hiatus, he picks the worst possible time to come in. I am now bound to lose money today.

11:52 AM - 125 bid on ARCA. Still no trades. The conversation on the desk has shifted from GOOG's open to the Black Cloud's latest sexual conquests.

11:55 AM - OPEN. 100. IMMEDIATELY TANKS TO 98. MORE TO COME....

11:57 AM - 96!!!! STOCK NOT SHORTABLE. BLOWS.

11:59 AM - RALLIES TO 99. YHOO AND ASKJ BOTH TANK.

12:02 PM - Major letdown so far. No good when you can't short a shitty stock (ie. GOOG). Desk is very short ASKJ and YHOO. Pray for us.

12:08 PM - Kind of disappointing so far. GOOG trading back at 99.50 on 6.7mln shares. No easy money out there.

12:15 PM - GOOG new day high: 100.90!!!

12:20 PM - Go GOOG!!!! On highs. 101.95. Thank God it's non-shortable. ASKJ and YHOO blow.

12:28 PM - Well kids. That's all she wrote. For now at least. GOOG topped out at 101.97 under HUGE volume. As of now, it's traded 10.4 mln shares. Not too shabby for an August mid-day. Did we make any cash in GOOG here? Not really, we bought some shares around 98ish, sold some at 99ish, etc. No home runs here. Just a couple of on-base singles.

Our shorts in ASKJ and YHOO did pan out though. On paper anyway. We'll be holding them as long as GOOG heads lower and it is heading lower. At least we hope so.

12:40 PM - New highs GOOG. 103.42!!!! We envision P. Diddy writing a rap song about GOOG right about now.

I'm a give it to you good GOOG.
I'm a give it to you bad.
I'm a Cristal sip all over you GOOG.
GOOG gonna give me mo' headaches.

Team USA won by finally overpowering an opponent. In this case, it was against Australia, 89 to 79. It was a strengthening victory and it gives us hope at coming home with the gold. Australia, which had beaten only Angola 83-59, has already been beaten by the Greek team 76-54.

Team USA was led by Tim Duncan and his 18 points. Duncan played a team high 33 minutes. Other standouts on Team USA include AI with 16 points in 23 minutes, Dwayne Wade with 12 points in 18 minutes, and Shawn Marion who had 16 points in 27 minutes of playing time. Carmelo Anthony scored 0 points in his 2 minutes on the court. We're certain he'll find something to complain about tonight.

We just had to get this item in here. Swedish Restaurant Aquavit is celebrating crawfish week(end). Indulge in all things crawfish from crawfish sushi to crawfish tacos. From this Thursday till this Saturday, noon - 2:30 p.m. and 5:30 p.m.-10:30 p.m., the crawfish will flow like cool droplets of sweat at a Williamsburg roof party.

Aquavit is located at 13 W. 54th St., b/t Fifth and Sixth Aves.
[via DailyCandy]

Yes, it's true. Tinkerbell has gone MIA and Paris is ever distraught. Originally a $1,000 reward was offered for the lost pooch. That reward has now been extended to $5,000 plus "extras". Don't ask us what these so called extra rewards are. We are men here and we can dream....

UPDATE: Tinkerbell found alive and well. Reunion with Paris imminent. Yaaaaaaay.

Fuck we love football. This is by far and away our favorite time of year. As we pour over stats and scouting reports, every now and then we stumble across a really good read of an NFL article.

This one happens to be excellent. As the Baltimore Ravens prepare to pounce on the re-built Philly Eagles on Friday night, some of the teams' All-Star players have been shooting some barbs back and forth

..."Tell T.O. to keep my name out of his mouth," Baltimore Pro Bowl linebacker Ray Lewis told reporters in the Ravens' locker room. "I don't care nothing about this guy."

Back in Philadelphia, Owens was acknowledging that the Ravens might be inclined to take some shots at him Friday night. But he also said he would have the chance to take a few shots of his own.

"In the running game, I might be able to return the favor," Owens said.

It's quite a build-up to a preseason game...

...Lewis said this spring that he is not happy that Owens was able to get out of the Ravens trade. Plus, he suggested he would put his feelings into a more physical form when the teams met on the field.

"He's going to have to meet me on the field sometime," Lewis said at the time. "I have no respect for guys who pose and things like that."...

Talking with reporters in Baltimore, Lewis said, "Sooner or later, no matter how much he talks about what he's not scared to do, he still has to line up and play football."

Lewis and Ravens safety Ed Reed also noted that Owens had just three catches for 23 yards when the Ravens beat Owens' San Francisco team by a 44-6 score last season.

"T.O. is a nobody," Reed said Monday, according to CBS Sportsline.com. "He's nothing."

Article quoted courtesy of courierpostonline.com.

On the verge of going public, Google (GOOG:NASD) has cut it's estimated IPO price range to $85 to $95 a share, down from $108 to $135. Google insiders have reduced the number of shares they wil sell to 5.5 mln, down from the planned 11.6 mln, however, the total shares issued will still remain at over 14 mln. This move cuts the maximum value of company to $26 bln, down from as much as $36 bln and max IPO size to $1.9 bln, down from as much as $3.6 bln.

You know what? That's still a dandy neighborhood to be hanging in.
[via briefing]

Gyros for everyone. No, not really. Team USA finally won a game by beating the Greeks today 77-71. There's no cause for celebration because in so much as Team USA beating the Greeks is a victory, it would be more adept to label this what it was: Team USA survived their matchup against Greece. How pathetic!

Lamar Odom and Allen Iverson played their hearts out and were clearly the backbone of our team. Besides them and a late game rebound by Carlos Boozer, there's not much to gloat about.

As we mentioned earlier, Team USA was a 9 point favorite. Losing by just 6 points, the Greeks beat the spread and made some people a wee bit richer.

Our infatuation with all things Brit continues as we discover a comparative photo of our little (not so little anymore) vampette.

Brit, may we suggest an appetite suppressant? Something along the lines of what our good friend "Timmy" delivers on a Thursday evening. One piece shouldn't set you back more than a few meals of McD's.
[via JJB]

TSG and Ganglandnews.com bring us a new series in online entertainment: Blowing Up Gotti. Forget about that other show on A&E, they got the real deal here. Episode One features Victoria Gotti, her brother Peter and her (then) ten year old son John meeting with the boss man himself, John Gotti, in his home away from home. Catch all the Gotti banter including lines like

John Gotti Jr: I want to be a basketball player.
John Gotti Senior: You ain't gonna be a baseball player or a basketball player. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something about basketball players and baseball players. To be a good basketball player or baseball player, you gotta be a good liar, a good lowlife and an imbecile.

John Sr: You gotta take steroids. You MUST take steroids. And anybody that takes steroids is a garbage pail.
John Jr: Fine then I'll be a cook (Ed. Note - Hard to hear what Jr. says here. It could also be "crook")

Catch the whole series of Blowing Up Gotti at TSG.
[Thanx Kristin]

Iverson says it's war as the US basketball team faces off against the Greek team today at 3:00PM.

Amazingly enough, the US team is a 9 point favorite heading into today's matchup. Are the bookies high or what? I can't believe they're favored by this much.

For the second time since 1998, the State University of New York at Albany has been voted the number 1 party school in the nation according to the Princeton Review. Albany beats out such perennial contenders as UC Boulder, U of Miami and U of Wisconsin - Madison (like there's anything better to do in Wisconsin....please).

SUNY Albany places the highest value on ingestion of liquor, drugs, copulation and fornication. Studying and grades are remedial at best. If you're not staggering thru the Rat by noon, well, then you deserve to get your ass handed to you by Tabby's boot.

Ahhhhh, we have fond memories of our undergrad days at Albany - Tabby visiting and ripping bong hits while chugging vodka, Tabby passing out and having his body painted by Benjamin Moore, Tabby not being happy when awoken... Besides Tabby though, we recall moshing to House of Pain's "Jump Around" at the Lamp Post, getting beat up by football players at WT's (Gberg) and getting our asses handed to us by a filthy cocksucker of an assistant pledgemaster (Monger - you got your comeuppance coming you prick).

We also have memories of Albany being the slumhole that it really is. White trash runs rampant in this town. One time while waiting in line for free tires at Sears (don't ask what we were doing there in the first place), we were surrounded by a wt family - the children literally had ant-sized lice jumping jacks on their domes. It was fucking nasty and we vowed to get out of that shitster as soon as we could. And we did. Now we are the proud hosts of KTB. We've done really well for ourselves as you can see.

The Princeton Review college survey also has categories for Reefer Madness, Hard Liquor, Beer and Frat Scene. Notable colleges in other categories include Bard College number one under Reefer Madness, Tulane came in second to Washington and Lee U under Hard Liquor, Wash and Lee came in first again under Lots of Beer and DePauw University came in first for Major Frat/Sorority Scene.

One more interesting note about Albany is the fact that Tabby visited Albany once while I went there. Before his visit, he was a straight B- student. After just one weekend up there, his life has been nothing but a series of drug and alcoholic disasters.

My boobies bring all the boys to the yard.....

Rule #1 after getting an over the top implant - SKANK OUT, SKANK OUT, SKANKT OUT.

Rule #2 after getting an over the top implant - When unsure that to do, refer to Rule #1.

These pix are posted expressly for Tara Reid's biggest male fan - Pera.

The rest of this series here.

Today's Gothamist explores that outer borough aka the Upper West Side aka UWS aka No Man's Land. In particular, Gothamist dives into the spectacle of the food court at the AOL Time Warner Center. Thomas Keller's Per Se, Jean Georges V******en's V and whatever else they have going there is included. It's a good read for NY foodies. It's linked well too.

By the way, the S&P's have been in a 2 handle range since 10:45AM. We're beating ourselves silly here.

Got an ailment and need to be diagnosed? The Banterist comes up with some interesting medical solutions to some common, urban hysterias. Our favorite is

Your Problem: Six black guys dressed like 50 Cent are looking at you and not smiling.

Your Diagnosis: Urban Anxiety Disorder; Gangtsa-Related Dress Anxiety

Your Cure: Lorazepam 1mg

Mazel Tov Nicky Hilton!!!!!! AP news reports that Nicky was married in an impromptu wedding ceremony at 2:30 AM Las Vegas time Saturday Night. Who's the lucky groom? New York money manager Todd Andrew Meister, 33. Who da who da fuck is Todd Andrew Meister?

Worth1000.com is having a Photoshop aging edit contest. There's pix of Beyonce, Justin and of course, our favorite little boy fondler - Michael Jackson. Very nice.

Well, who's really surprised that Team USA was manhandled (and not in a Chelsea kind of way) by Team Puerto Rico? Not I said the fly. Team PR was led by their average point guard Carlos Arroyo. Although, he certainly didn't play like the average PG on Sunday. He steadily outplayed both Allen Iverson and Stephon Marbury in a pathetic rout.

In other Greek news, swimmer Michael Phelps' quest for 8 gold medals was thwarted as the US team lost in the 400 free relay. Today, Michael Phelps competes against Australian Ian Thorpe in the 200 freestyle. Go Mike!

Vin Gallo, director-actor-model-Republican, is a really funny guy. Just how funny is he? Judge for yourself. Quoting from his much heralded website vincentgallo.com

1971. My first band. The Blue Mood. A fat Jew named Mark Suchman on vocals. A Sephardic Jew, poorly named Irwin Ashkanasi, who was ugly and couldn't play a note but had a brand new two channel amp and a basement, miming rhythm guitar with his amp volume turned off. An already drinking eleven year old redheaded Irishman named Keith Ice on guitar. By the way, did you ever notice the smell of redheads? I think that's why a lot of redhead girls have Black boyfriends. They smell compatible.

I played drums which I acquired from another Jew friend by trading his parents my cleaning, gardening and handyman skills for the summer. Along with the drums, I got a brace face blow job from my Jew friend's fat older sister. It was my first one. I also fingered her. It was a cheap drum set bought by cheap Jews, but it made sound and I loved it. Our only gig was two songs at a bar mitzvah. One was the band Free's song "All Right Now," the other was Creedence Clearwater's "Down on the Corner." The Jew kids loved us. Especially me. Because I had long hair and no braces or glasses or pimples or a yarmulke. We broke up right after the show.

1974. My second band, Zephyr. Danny Rowland on guitar. Barry Height on drums. And me looking very Chris Squire on bass. A perfect band -- no Jews, no redheads.

There are probably more secrets to discover at Gallo's web domain, but we're too comatose to investigate any further now. Perhaps later.

You can read the rest of his musical experience here.

We're not really sure how old these pix of Paris are but they HAD to be shared. They pretty much speak for themselves. At least it wasn't too cold out.

The month being August, posting has and will continue to be erratic at best. We are enjoying our so called youth, or whatever is left of it, in this not so blistering Manhattan summer. Unknown bars howl our names and we seek them out more often than not. Girls in short shorts howl our names as well. Just not as often nor as loudly....

Gazpacho has never tasted as good as this summer of '04. Not for any particular reason. We've just been fortunate to have been getting some damn good gazpacho. The Summer of Gazpacho. Sounds good, no? Definitely sounds better than the Summer of Kettle One or the Summer of Dirt. Indeed.

In other news, who knew that Kobe Bryant was so well endowed? Not us. Quoting the linked article

The fact is "doggie style" was Kate Faber’s[Ed. Note: Kate is Kobe's accuser] favorite position as told to Laie by Kate.  Laie and Kate had a discussion after this happened concerning the fact that bleeding can occur when having sex in that position.  Laie went on to explain to Kate at the time that this was usually caused when the guy she was having sex with was larger than normal.

Has anyone been to one of these:

...The grab fests are called cuddle parties, and since they started in New York in February, hundreds of people have paid $30 each to touch and embrace others in intimate gatherings.

Everyone needs to be cuddled, especially in lonely New York, say creators Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski who say it's a good way to meet new and interesting people.

But the rules are clear. The PJs stay on the whole time and participants are reminded of Rule No. 7: "No dry humping!"

Jagernath. Bissoon Jagernath. That was his name. His moniker. But he was more than that. He was my cabbie. And he took me from the netherland of mid-town to the reaches of humanity encompassing Union Square. And we shared a magical 12 minutes together.

He didn't say much. He didn't have to. With a name like Bissoon Jagernath, one doesn't feel the urge to make idle chatter like the rest of us commoners. I sat in the backseat, directly behind Bissoon, and silently marvelled at this uber-hack.

Bissoon Jagernath. Bissoon Jagernath. Say it with me. Bissoon Jagernath. God bless you Bissoon Jagernath. You have completed me more times than you know.

They raised rates today. Blah, blah, blah, blah and blah. Have you read our state of the market yet?

We haven't had much in terms of football here. And that's too bad considering how much we love football. Fantasy, suicide, we're in all them leagues. In fact, we just joined into a suicide league with 600 people. Multiply that at $100 per head and you got yourself a $60,000 payout. No fucking joke to say the least.

We came across this NY Jets story via NY Newsday (we'll never admit to reading it again damnit!)

...With McCareins on one side and Santana Moss on the other, and some Wayne Chrebet sprinkled in between, the Jets hope to field a receiving corps that can turn this offense into - dare we say it - a juggernaut?

Curtis Martin sure thinks so.

"I think this can be our most explosive offense since I've been here," Martin said. "I truly believe it will be our best offense."

In other NFL news, we just had to quote this story from the Houston Chronicle

The Texans' acquisition of Mark Bruener looks better and better every day -- and not just because he's taken to the team's offense like Ricky Williams to a bong.

Taken directly off of our favorite news site:

YOU'RE BROKE! TRUMP HOTELS PLANS TO SEEK BANKRUPTCY...

Yes, we know, our server has hit that bump in the road again and we're now trying to get out of the ditch and back on track as they say in Kentucky.

Also, don't try emailing us. Our mail server is stuck in a perennial quagmire. Save your thoughts and try emailing either tonight or tomorrow.

Be well people.

So tomorrow, around this time, Mr. Market himself - Alan Greenspan - will address the nation in his regularly scheduled FOMC meeting. Word on the street (by street we mean the Business Section of the NY Post) is that he's going to raise rates. Again. Bummer. But is it really?

A Beam and ginger will still set you back $14 at the Rooftop bar at the Gansevoort. Dirt will still go for $60 a packet. Membership to Crunch gym will still be a vast rip-off at $78 a month. Late fees at Blockbuster will still compound hourly and a $3.99 rental will set you back $24.89. For real.

So how will Mr. Greeny's decision affect the NYC layman (laywoman? layperson? I don't fucking know). For one, those of you who have saved up enough to buy your own homes (drink up people, use bars not banks!) will now find it more expensive to borrow money on your mortgage. Good for banks. Bad for you. We're no financial geniuses here but the rate at which one revolves credit card debt should also go up thus raising your monthly finance fee from 18.99% to 19.69% (or some denominator like that).

How will a possible raise affect renters? Our philosophy is that as rates go up, people with cash (not us) are loathe to speculate their holdings in risky investments (stocks, drugs, kidnappings) and will find themselves sitting in cash earning a minimal rate of return via "safe" instruments such as CD's, T-Bills and other governmental notes. In theory, this should lead to lower real estate prices as real estate falls under the speculative investment category. By the way, did we mention that we're not, nor do we employ, a financial genius at KTB.

In summary, we'd like to quote what a wise old Russian man once told us:

When times are good, people drink. When times are bad, people drink even more.

Goog, you know, the stuff that leaks out of various body party.... Well, it's not just for pubescent teens anymore. GOOG is now the official ticker symbol of what else but Google. When is the damn IPO hitting the street anyway?

Today's Page Six reports that Gawker editor, Choire Sicha, will be leaving his editorial position to oversee the entire Denton web-blog empire (Wonkette, Fleshbot, Gizmodo, Defamer, blah blah blah).
Choire, you s.o.b., how could you do this? How could you leave us like this? Who will man the helm at Gawker HQ and will they be as evil and snarky? You've certainly left big shoes to fill...

UPDATE: It's official. Choire's out. Jessica Coen's in. Who in the world is Jessica Coen?

Let's just say that our first attempt at self-rehab this past weekend was a miserable failure. We now know better than to try going cold turkey while staying in a house with a wine cellar. No no no, that ain't happening.

While actman.net has an interesting blind item:

They arrive in Cuba and the first thing they decide to do is purchase some "candy". They find a place and are very happy. This is when things turn ugly. The place happens to be run by the Cuban police, they get arrested and are about to be sentenced to 7 months in jail. They freak out, what else can they do but offer up cash. $10,000 US later they are free.

Rustypenny, meanwhile, brightens our morning with a few new colorful definitions

the jelly donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.
j.o.d.
("Joad") - Jerking Off while Driving. Try it while going through the Drive-Thru of your choice...

Not much else to say here except: Good fucking grief, what were you thinking!!!!

Kabbalah-ist Kimora Lee Simmons may find herself the star of her hubby's new Court TV series, "Hip-Hop Justice," today's Page Six reports. This sensational news, involving drugs, the press, Kabbalah and a "world is my oyster" celebrity, really knows no bounds. We're really flabbergasted here.

Here at KTB, we rarely have anything positive to say or add to life. That's why today, we'll be starting off by noting the pathetic, vile and disgraceful abomination that has become Team USA Basketball.

In Tuesday's exhibition game against Team Italy, the US team was handily outgunned by a score of 95-78. Melo led the US team with 19 points while Italy got 28 points from Giacomo Galanda and 25 from Gianluca Basile. Yes, we're asking the same thing you are: Who da fuck are Giacomo and Gianluca blah blah blah and why aren't they on the Knicks? An excellent question indeed yet one we painfully cannot answer.

Team USA, what is going on here? This is a sham. How do the NBA's finest lose to a bunch of espresso swilling pasta munchers? OK, we apologize for that slight but seriously, what is the deal? This is not how it's supposed to be. Basketball is our fucking sport. Cut this shit out already and start playing like a team. KTB was not watching the game live but reports from ESPN and gothamist indicate that defense was as overlooked as Vin Gallo's directorial career.

Italy was able to score 45 points from three-point shots alone. Let it be noted here that in international hoops, the 3-point arc is shorter than the NBA standard. Shouldn't this play to our advantage? Evidently not.

Team USA, if you fuckers don't win the Gold in Athens, it will be a national and international disgrace. It will paint you players exactly as your are: an overpaid bunch of punks whose love of the game has been supplanted by the love of the almighty greenback. Show some fucking heart here and prove us naysayers wrong. Win damnit win!!!!

Team USA is scheduled to play the tough German team, led by Dirk Nowitzki, today. The German team already beat up on Team Italy by a score of 85-77 on Sunday. Surely, we are the underdog in today's contest and that's just pathetic.

Three hundred kilos of cocaine, worth about $6 million, is now sitting in the evidence locker of the Sheriff's Department in El Paso. Supposedly, it was meant to be shipped to the East Coast. This is really going to brighten our evenings. NOT!
[via gawker]

Funnyman Dave Chappelle will be returning to Comedy Central after all for a two year stint reportedly worth $50 million. That's a whole lotta dough. Even for KTB. We'd like to think that Dave will invest that money responsibly and not spend it on Hunts Point hookers and Colombian goody bags.
[via gothamist]

Anyone remember potty mouthed Real World-er Coral? We're not sure which Real World she actually hails from but does it really matter. Her pics from the King Magazine spread are here.

Last time James Cramer pumped a stock in the pages of New York Magazine, he was recommending K-Mart but he was recommending it after it had already moved from $23 a share to $55 a share. It seemed like the stock may have been topping out and no one at KTB headquarters got in. Sure enough, K-Mart went from $55 to a high of $84.50 within one month. We're biting our asses here.

As of yesterday's New York mag, Cramer is now pumping Cabela's (NYSE: CAB). Unless you're a hunter, angler, camper or just a wannabe in any of those categories, chances are you haven't heard of Cabela's. And that's just too damn bad because Cabela's happens to be KTB's favorite, and we mean favorite, retailer. We've never been to one of their mega-stores. We just order from their website or from their catalogs which they send us several times a year. We've bought everything from Alaskan parkas to shotgun shell loaders here and we're damn proud of it.

Cabela's the stock went public on June 25th at about $27 per share. Since then, they have traded as high as 30.27 and as low as 24.35. KTB loves this company, KTB loves Cramer's recommendation and KTB will be buying some shares in the days ahead. Go Cabela's!

A story from today's Page Six bears the following caption: TABS DROP COCAINE STORY. The story focuses on Mary Kate Olsen and her supposed cocaine addiction. Blah, blah, blah. We just found it funny that Tabby's name was unknowingly used by Page Six along with his favorite appetite suppressant.

Most of these pix have been temporarily taken down due to someone's overwhelming popularity...........

I just snorted a crushed up Cert! Yaaaaaay!

Queer eye for the fat guy.

I'm home! Yaaaaay!

Dude, got any gak?

Knockout Rob did this.

Fucking farm animal.

Worse than a farm animal.

As nice as Montreal is as a city, I NEVER want to go back there with this motley crue of degenerates. We made this last jaunt up there in honor of Reverend Sersen Sneed's last hurrah - he's getting married soon and life will soon be over for his slimey ass.

The first rule of Van-Fight Club - punch before you are punched. The second rule of Van-Fight Club - when not sure what to do, refer to rule #1.

Rob demonstrates Van-Fight Club rules in this abusive video of Greg. Vid taken down due to someone's newfound popularity...

Don Giovanni demonstrates Van-Fight Club rules in this abusive video of Greg.

First Sersen pisses, then Pera gets pissed on.

Don Giovanni does his best Tupac impression but not before Rob pummels Gavin.

Day One Pix are Here.

Day Two Pix are Here.

If you don't have Quicktime installed on your computer, please get it. These videos are worth it and besides, Quicktime's free.

Now this sounds interesting

A domestic centerpiece of the Bush/GOP agenda for a second Bush term is getting rid of the Internal Revenue Service, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

The Speaker of the House will push for replacing the nation's current tax system with a national sales tax or a value added tax, Hill sources tell DRUDGE.

At 11:25 a.m., he sauntered into the home clubhouse at Yankee Stadium. Sporting a goatee, he carried a White Sox bag.

Twenty-five minutes and one meeting with Joe Torre later, Loaiza became a Yankee. Torre welcomed him to the team and then, pointing to his face, said, "This thing has to come off."

Loaiza shaved the goatee, as the Boss' rules dictate. While having no facial hair for the first time in nearly a decade felt strange to Loaiza, being a Yankee felt just right.

We have just returned from our two night excursion to Montreal. We visited our retarded brothers to the North. Montreal will never be the same. Pictures from the trip may or may not go up. Did we mention we were there for Reverend Sersen Sneed's bachelor party? Don't want to leave that detail out. Then again, all the details from the trip are hazy to say the least.

Crown Royal Canadian whiskey was definitely the drink of choice. The drinking began Friday morning. The drinking ended at 11pm Sunday nite. My body feels like a dumpster's been parked on top of it. Change that. My body feels like a dumpster period.

Showering this morning never felt so good. After the 11 hour van ride back from Montreal yesterday, sitting in all the piss that had become the interior of the van, my body and soul needs cleansing like never before.

People who got fucked on this trip included Tabby, Greg, Karpet, and Pigger (when doesn't he get fucked). Actually, Tabby's poor mother got it worse than her shitty offspring. Upon dropping Tabby off (that prick got door to door service - fuck him) at his house, we also dropped off the innards of the van. Empty beer cans, piss, shit, Rob and any other crap we could muster was discarded on his driveway. Tabby was not very happy. I sat and watched while one of his eyes popped out of it's socket in his rage. Not pretty.

Greg the shutterbug got beat up. Twice. His face looked like a ghetto pinyata when all was said and done. It wasn't a question so much as to who beat him up. It was more a question of who didn't beat him up. Actually, Rob and Tabby worked him over the best. Knockout Rob really ripped into him with a series of one-two combos to the face. Ouch!

Karpet? Who the fuck is Karpet? This vile little bastard lost his shoes, his bag, and his mind. By the end of the trip, he was heard talking to himself muttering endlessly about his missing Steve Madden shoes. Doesn't Steve Madden only make women's shoes? We're not sure. Actually, Karpet did wind up finding his bag. It had been refrigerated overnight and packed with garbage. We hope to post a very funny and very incriminating picture of Pigger stuffing the bag into the fridge.

There's ever much more to tell but we will have to save these stories for another bar and another day. Life, unfortunately, finds us back in reality - work, girlfriends, and dogs beckon. So be it.