KTB

It was your typical Union Square evening. I had just finished my dinner (solo-style) at Casa Mono and was walking thru the Park, chatting on my cell phone with Deebo and checking out the break dancers. The air of normality permeated my world. And as the skateboarders skated, and the breakers broke, I relished in the fact that I had a bottle of wine in me and I was feeling goooooood.

And then the bikers came. Not one, not two, not even a dozen, but hundreds. Several hundred bicyclists, each as unique as a snowflake appeared cycling south on Broadway making their way past 14th street. East-west traffic on 14th halted to a complete stand still. The bikers were here and the street was theirs. With horns honking, pissed off drivers edged their cars across the seemingly endless bike path. Individual riders would pull over and stop their bikes immediately in front of encroaching cars to the dismay of the angry driver. "More bikes! Less cars!" the bikers cheered while their brethren pedaled along.

It was quite a scene and I really wish I had my camera on me. Most people had your run of the mill mountain or road bike but there were several standouts among the bunch. One guy had a double decker of a bike. It's hard to explain but he was literally a good ten feet off the ground as he pedaled along. Another rider had a normal bike but she was adorned with a belt made of dildos. I could go on and on but without the photos, my descriptions are just not doing them justice.

I was able to capture a few pics with my Samsung cameraphone. The resolution sucks but it's better than nothing.

"Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams is equal parts artist and eccentric, which makes it very difficult to say what was the most interesting part of his Australian vacation.

Was it that he stayed in cheap, crowded Australian hostels, bunking in small rooms with strangers and students, waiting in line to use the community bathroom?

Or was it that, on a whim, he purchased a 1974 Volkswagen van -- ''like Scooby Doo's,'' he says -- and slept in it while driving for days across the dangerous, desolate Outback?

Was it that he got up one morning and, just because, he shaved off his famous dreadlocks, throwing away the $750,000 Gillette's marketing people had offered for the right to build an advertising campaign around that moment?

Or was it that he would stop while on those 16-hour drives to nowhere in particular to work on his photography, read books, write in a journal, surf, meditate, enjoy anonymity and question everything from democracy to religion to himself?

Or was it that he took this entire monthlong, life-altering journey all by himself?"

Reading it here in my office in midtown Manhattan makes me wish I could be driving across the Australian outback with a Fosters in one hand and some friends in the trunk.

Dear Adam,

Lacy wants you. I quote:

"Hey i hooked up with Adam Phelps!!! and he sang "she bang" like William Hung so i wouldn't fall asleep and had to leave his apartment...

I am in love with Adam Phelps! Will Hung you stay away from him or i'll call Mahantan Police!!! cause i'm crazy like that!!"

America's favorite retard is now available for your own private booking. Just dial 818-633-9638. [Thanks Torres]

I don't know why but this just makes me think of Deliverance.

Pigger, my dear friend and pissing partner, congratulations you filthy mongrel!! Late last nite in the depths of a bourbon filled stupor, Pigger crossed the threshold of singledom to that of an engaged hog. Despite his sedimentary spanking habits, his girlfriend - now fiancee - oinked yes and the two are to be wed sometime soon. I'm shocked. I can't believe Pigger did it. But let me say congratz and welcome to the dark side. Another one down.

The Olsen twins are turning 18!!! I see Outkast, doody, and thongs. At least now they'll know what not to do while attending NYU. See below.
[via gawker]

KTB understands that a college education can be downright expensive these days. Especially a university such as NYU where the added expense of living in Manhattan can be truly overwhelming. And while the merits of a college education do have some real world value (maybe....) the costs of attaining such a degree can seriously bankrupt and set back even the busiest of bees.

Yet one local NYU student took it upon herself to further her education by seeking extra curriculur employment in the city's drug markets. Julia Daco, a freshman chicky from upscale Rumson, NJ was busted at a St. Marks apartment building with several ounces of high grade weed (the good stuff) and a scale. She could have been doing chemistry homework but the narcs say not so. Diaco was also said to have been dealing in cocaine, ecstasy and other good stuff from her dorm room. While KTB applaudes this student's efforts to hang tough in a financially strapping environment, KTB cannot condone seriously endangering one's future in such regard. Julia, if you need a good attorney, send an email and KTB will gladly recommend one.

Liberals are scrambling for cover as the Village Voice actually denounces the John Kerry campaign. The Village Voice - the bastion of all things lefty - came out with a release today saying John Kerry Must Go. Quoting from the article:

"With growing issues over his wealth (which makes fellow plutocrat Bush seem a charity case by comparison), the miasma over his medals and ribbons (or ribbons and medals), his uninspiring record in the Senate (yes war, no war), and wishy-washy efforts to mimic Bill Clinton's triangulation gimmickry (the protractor factor), Kerry sinks day by day. The pros all know that the candidate who starts each morning by having to explain himself is a goner"

In other wordly news, these two dumb dumbs took a pic of their 2 year old son smoking pot. How was he actually smoking it? I don't know. The film developer saw the pic and notified the authorities. Hello!!! Dumb Dumbs!!! Have we heard of digital cameras out there in the heartland????

My little lungs have been burning as my fever rages out of control. The situation looks bleak my friends. I've been bed ridden for what seems like a fortnight. The stench I expel has blinded my dog. The end seems near yet the hallucinations reveal 72 virgins awaiting in the mist.

Posting has been all but non-existent. But we'll prevail. I will get back on the pony as my fever declines and resume with my debauchery and donkey fucking. Stay tuned.

Some interesting links in the meantime:

If you have any interest in technology and it's effects on humanity, I highly suggest you read this essay by Ray Kurzweil. This is one of the best scientific studies I have ever read but you need to believe in technology to get the point. Also, be prepared to spend a good 20 minutes reading it. It's long but well worth it.

The Black Cloud is in a downward spiral. Please help him people. Click here for donations or if you'd like to buy his motorcycle.

Now this is the gayest fucking thing I've ever seen: The Petapotty. From what I can tell, it's an indoor pissing pad for your dog. But unlike a paper wee wee pad, it's actually got real grass as well as it's own internal drainage system. There's a quicktime video that demonstrates in great detail how the Petapotty is supposed to work. The video is a must see - lookout for the bursting image of the dog crapping itself. Too funny.

People, if you're going to get a dog, understand that you'll need to actually do more than just pet and feed it. Walk the fucking hound as well people!!! I already know which of my queer friends will be ordering these nasty shit collectors.

But who knows. I can see my friend Pigger really enjoying one of these himself. Pigger, I now know what to get for your next birthday.

I have a retard friend who I've yet to introduce to the online community. His real name, I won't reveal. But his nickname is Pigger. The name's derivation comes from him being such a filthy fucking pig mixed with a certain je ne sais quoi. And no, I'm not referring to the cute tiger from Winnie the Pooh. Please don't assume we're racists or whatnot because Pigger's been his nickname ever since he shat himself on top of Vail many seasons ago. As well, Dave Chappelle throws the mystical "n" word around as if it was a hacky sack. So if you're thinking about sending "fuck you racist" email to me, know that it won't even be read.

Anyway, Pigger shared a very funny story with me today. It turns out that whenever Pigger's live in girlfriend is out of the house, Pigger amuses himself by masturbating into her pillows. Do I need to explain why we call him Pigger again? I think you understand it's quite a deserving name.

Last nite, his little game of hide the semen was discovered by his not too happy girlfriend. Poor dumb Pigger. Even poorer girl. For me to convey that she was irate wouldn't do the situation justice. She was livid. She came home, lied down and discovered a patch of crust streaked across her pillow. This was not the first time she felt it but this patch was still fresh on the surface. What was her reaction? First, she questioned Pigger. Then she actually tasted the shit. No, I didn't believe him either when he told me. But then he let me hear the voice mail she left him this morning.

"Pigger [she used his real name], you will rot in hell you nasty animal. How long has this been going on? How fucking long you sick, demented bastard? You will pay you son of a bitch scumbag. To think all this time I thought it was just dandruff..." On and on it went. I couldn't believe it. I still don't believe it but it's too ludicrous to make up.

We have a 32 year old successful male in Pigger and this is what he does in his spare time. Pigger, I'm sorry if I shared your pain although I think we both laughed it off at the of our conversation there. As for your girl, she'll get it over it. It's too bad she left your Pigger ass but you definitely deserved that along with a serious ass whooping. Consider yourself blessed. Sick fuck.

I got this email today. It may be fake. It may be real. If anyone out there is looking to get their ass on a reality tv show, this may be for you.

NEW REALITY GAME SHOW ON THE WB LOOKING FOR CONTESTANTS!!!! 

ARE YOU ARTICULATE, INTELLIGENT, FULL OF PERSONALITY & READY TO PROVE TO THE WORLD HOW SMART YOU ARE? WANT TO FLY TO NYC, BE PUT UP IN A FABULOUS APARTMENT & SPEND UP TO A WEEK LIVING WITH 6 STRANGERS? WANT A CHANCE TO WALK AWAY WITH $100,000?!

IF YOU ANSWERED YES THEN STUDIO 7 WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU! STUDIO 7, A NEW GAME SHOW FILMING IN NYC & AIRING ON THE WB THIS SUMMER, IS LOOKING FOR COLLEGE-AGE CONTESTANTS ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH THE BRAINS & BRAWN TO SURVIVE THE PRESSURE OF THIS UNIQUE REALITY GAME SHOW CHALLENGE!
HERE’S THE DEAL:
IF SELECTED AS A CONTESTANT, YOU’LL FLY TO NYC & SPEND UP TO A WEEK LIVING WITH 6 PEOPLE…BUT THESE PEOPLE AREN’T JUST YOUR ROOMMATES, THEY’RE ALSO YOUR COMPETITORS. YOU’LL LIVE IT UP, ALL THE WHILE LEARNING YOUR ROOMIES STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES BEFORE BEING PITTED AGAINST THEM UPON WEEK’S END IN QUIZ SHOW COMPETITION.  (**PLEASE NOTE: YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE TO LIVE IN NYC FOR UP TO 8 DAYS BETWEEN JUNE 21ST 2004-AUGUST 22ND, 2004)
TO APPLY:
1.) COMPLETE THE ATTACHED APPLICATION. IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE OPENING THE ATTACHMENT, E-MAIL STUDIO7@DIPLOMATIC.TV TO REQUEST AN APPLICATION BE E-MAILED TO YOU.
2.) MAKE A 3 MINUTE VHS TAPE SHOWING US WHY YOU’D MAKE A GREAT CONTESTANT. LABEL THE TAPE WITH YOUR NAME, AGE, DAY/EVENING PHONE NUMBERS & HOMETOWN.
3.) INCLUDE TWO RECENT PHOTOS WITH YOUR NAME & PHONE NUMBERS WRITTEN ON THE BACK.
4.) MAIL THE COMPLETED APPLICATION FORM, VHS TAPE & PHOTOS ASAP TO:
Studio 7 Casting
676A 9th Ave.
#172
New York, NY 10036
 PLEASE NOTE: TAPES & PHOTOS WILL NOT BE RETURNED & ALL SUBMISSIONS BECOME THE PROPERTY OF PRODUCER.
 WE’LL BE CASTING ON A ROLLING BASIS, SO SEND THOSE TAPES IN ASAP!

I'm tired, miserable and thirsty. I'm going drinking tonight. And the Knicks suck balls too. I can't believe the Nets are really gonna sweep them.

"I approached Mr. Trump and asked for a photograph with him. I got the photographer's attention, then stood next to Mr. Trump so she could take the picture.

...Mr. Trump put his hand in front of the camera, and kept doing so until the photographer gave up.

As I've said before, I am 29 years old. So I know how to take letdowns."

"But this was different. I stood there while Mr. Trump proceeded to act like an asshole to the photographer. I felt like a complete idiot. Imagine finally getting the rare opportunity to meet your idol, and when you do, your hopes and dreams of what it would be like are crushed. That is how I feel. Crushed. Devastated. I only hope none of Mr. Trump's young fans, which look up to him and view him as a role model, never have to experience such disappointment."

Seriously, my hat is off to all the short sellers who stuck around and thru thick and thicker held onto their short position in Taser International (Nasdaq symbol TASR). Today's grandiose sell off procured over $160 million in take back profits for short sellers of record.

TASR closed the day today down 34.31 points. That's fucking ludicrous. We all knew it was bound to happen but 34 fucking points!!! Even I'm in awe.

For those unaware or who live in a cave, TASR is the Arizona based company which is famous (infamous) for manufacturing, promoting and selling non-lethal stun guns which are currently used in law enforcement and military applications. These guns are not supposed to kill their targets but rather maim and render them in a state of incapacitation. Yaaaaaaay. Ever since homeland security has been the topic of choice for us and the U.S., this stock has creeped, ran, eked and poked it's head from a measly $3 per share to an outstanding $375 per share split adjusted. That's one hell of a run up considering it happened in less than 12 months. Just in May of 2003, TASR was trading in the $3 - $5 range. If you had bought just 1,000 shares of TASR at $3 for $3,000, your investment at today's close would have been worth $252,000. And at yesterday's high, your shitty $3,000 investment would have been worth about $375,000!!!! WOW.

And people from near and far have been shorting this stock ever since. Today it paid off. I can only pray and hope that the resilient ones were able to hold their shorts. Good job Witz in Colorado. Drinks are on you next time you cum to New York.

This is great. Mark Cuban defends his new reality show, The Benefactor, from Trump's accusation that it's an Apprentice rip off:

"It was your office. It was covered, literally, every inch of every wall with pictures and magazine covers of you.

I have been in a lot of offices. I have seen pictures with the president, with family, with various famous people, but the over/under was usually 5 pictures, not 100.

I used to wear a suit to work every day. I worked hard so I wouldn’t have to. I bought a big house so I could throw a football and play whiffleball in it, rather than show it off. I don’t play golf, I work out. I don’t have an entourage, I have friends. "

No offense to the gay community but I already know which one of my homo friends is going to be buying this "fierce" iPod carrying case from Gucci. [via gizmodo]

This is just gross. Last nite, the Black Cloud slept over my place. I secretly videotaped him while he was "meditating".
[via rustypenny.com]

Since I last wrote about Taser International (Nasdaq symbol: TASR) here, it was trading at $87. Yesterday it closed at $118.70 hitting a new all time high of $128 intraday. That means that another $127 million fucking greenbacks has been lost by short sellers in this mongrel of a stock. OUCH!!!! I can't believe that we're not hearing any news stories about traders killing themselves and/or their families a la Mr. Steve Berger...

TASR released earnings this morning beating Reuters Research consensus of $0.22 by $0.02. Revenues rose 286.5% to $13.1 mln vs the $12.8 mln consensus and TASR will be completing a two-for-one stock split effective on April 29, 2004. This stock is in fuego. If your balls are giant and your pockets run deep, then go ahead and short this fucker but be forewarned. It will make a mouse of the surliest of traders. See Mr. Steve Berger on that.

In other stock news, the IPO of the year - Google - may come as soon as the end of this month the New York Post is reporting. These are exciting times in the equities markets. Exciting enough that I have cut back on my daily liquor intake so that I could be partially sober for these historic, mega-crazy stocks.

Dude, what do you want us to do with your positions? Have you looked at TASR?

The state bureaucracy is again punishing all dog owners because of a few bad apples. State legislators want to force owners to buy liability insurance for their dogs - and have cops fine any owner whose pup doesn't have an insurance tag on.

If the owner does not get insurance, the dog will be impounded and possibly euthanized.

This latest proposal adds to the attack on the city's dog owners, who already must register their pets and keep them leashed.

I am under the assumption that my umbrella liability insurance will cover any possible attacks by my 16 pound attack dog and hence protect me in the event an attack does occur. But I'm not 100% certain on this.

How about creating a law that actually punishes the owners of these so called "vicious attack dogs" who train them for fighting and killing. This is similar to the gun debate taking place throughout our nation. The bottom line is guns don't kill people, people kill people. The same logic can and should be applied to this current state mandate. Don't blame the dogs because their owners are assholes.

I've been on quite a bender this weekend. Drinking, ******ing, ******ing, etc. My liver is pleading for a break. Hence, posting's been rare and un-timely. Besides, it's hard to type when one is passed out on their couch, sac dangling with the gf barking and the hound crying. It's been one of those weekends.

It's late but I have it nonetheless: The Black Cloud's Weekly Picks # 5 which I haven't even looked at.

I am posting his newsletter without really perusing it because my head is still not processing cognizant thought. Calgon take me the fuck away biyatch!

More posts later.

And one other tidbit - I am hearing reports from Mazatlan, Mexico where Tabby happens to be vacationing. Suppposedly, he had sex with a female his first night there and he didn't pay for it. I say Holy Fucking Shit. Go Tabby!!!

Hello world. I went back to that little known restaurant Spice Market last nite. Perhaps you've heard of it but doubtfully. They're not big on PR.

Tara Reid was there. She was dining with Noah Tepperberg (uber-promoter turned Marquee club owner) and one other chick. A few investigative phone calls later, I found out that he'd already consummated his relationship with her a while back and his passion for her continues unabated. I can't quite recall what either of them were wearing, drinking or eating. I was quite drunk. But I think Tara looked pretty hot. More power to Noah. I understand she's remarkably prudish and nun-like in her dating life. Wooing her could take months if not years.

Somebody else at Spice told me that some dude from the Bachelor was there too but who cares about that.

Oh, and another thing - Spice Market now has a velvet rope. Is this new news or have people already mentioned this? I'm not sure. But a velvet rope with doorman for a restuarant????? It's a mad, Jean-Georges world out there kids.

How nice when a long lost yet cherished friend re-surfaces into one's life with reckless abandon and sheer merriment. My dear friend Drop Zone, known for provoking ceaseless hockey fights and cheering "Hit her in the shitter!!!!" during stag parties has come back into the graces of KTB.

Welcome back buddy. I'm glad you had time to post some warm and fuzzy commentary today:

"sunshine & blueskies? I see daisies too you pansie!!!
Poor little kozmo can't take a little rain. Fag."

I think I see sunshine and blue skies. I can't fucking believe it.

The Good:
Apple Computer reported Q2 (Mar) earnings of $0.14 per share, $0.04 better than the Reuters Research consensus of $0.10. Hooray for Apple. Analysts write:

Analysts astonished by the magnitude by which Apple managed to surpass their expectations as strong iPod and iBook sales kicked in. We are seeing firms raise their FY04 and even FY05 estimates significantly as they see iPods becoming significant contributor to Apple's revenue stream, accounting for about 22% of sales in 2Q04 vs. about 13% in the prior quarter and only 2.0% in 2Q03. Among the more positive firms, UBS is raising their FY04 EPS estimate to $0.65 from $0.46 with FY05 going to $0.80 from $0.60. Price tgt goes to $35 from $30. Yet, we think it's also worth noting the co saw weakness in its PowerMac line with the long-awaited upgrade cycle still lagging expectations. As the most important source of long-term profits for Apple, one would expect market participants to take note. Prudential among the more negative one's out noting that if one strips out excess cash and interest income from the operating earnings calculation, at $29 Apple is trading 29x FY05 EPS estimate. By point of contrast, Dell is currently trading at 28.5x current FY06 (CY05) earnings estimate. They would expect the shares to trade back down once the euphoria and the momentum begins to subside. Firm sees fair value at $25... AAPL shares traded up to $29.16 in after hours action."

The Bad:
Deckers Outdoor reported Q1 (Mar) earnings of $0.49 per share, $0.04 better than the Reuters Research consensus of $0.45; revenues rose 22.6% year/year to $44.3 mln vs the $41.6 mln consensus. Company sees Q2 EPS of $0.32-0.34 vs consensus of $0.28 on revenues of $34-35 mln, consensus $29 mln. For Y04, company raises guidance from previous expectation of $1.25-1.35 to $1.42-1.51, consensus is $1.24.
Uggggggggggghhh. When will this piece of shit company fade back into obscurity? When will this horrendous, ass-ugggggly trend pass like the plague? I don't care how comfortable these boots are. People, please, burn your uggs. I am NO LONGER short but will consider shorting again at these levels. The stock is currently up 1.35 in pre-market trading at 29.60. And one more thing, I blame this entire up move on the Black Cloud.
[via briefing]

It's on! The New York Knicks get the chance to dethrone the reigning Eastern Conference Champion Nets this coming Saturday at 4:30PM. As much as KTB would love to see the Knicks beat the Nets, we acknowledge the fact that the Nets recently stung the Knicks and beat them by 25 points without both their star players in Jason Kidd and Kenyon Martin. Ouch!

But this should make for a challenging and exciting match up for both teams and fans alike. The Knicks will be playing with their perimeter threat Allan Houston on the sidelines. Despite optimistic reports, KTB believes his season is firmly over. It's too bad because he would have given the Knicks a big edge in this series. And despite being sorely banged up, Jason Kidd, the Nets all star point guard, will be in the New Jersey lineup. Given his injuries it's too bad for the Knicks that they got this matchup in the first round. There's speculation that Kidd's lingering pains will not allow him to play more than 1 (tops 2) playoff series.

As much as we'd like to see the Knicks win, KTB must be realistic (did anyone watch the Knicks get blown out by LeBron and Co. last nite?) and call a spade a spade. Nets will take this series in 6.

One of my other friends is selling an entirely different item on CL. His is of the coital type.

His ad reads:

"Dildo -$10
i recently broke up with my gf and this was her 2nd favorite toy besides me of course. she always used it with a condom so it is still in mint condition. it is 7 inches latex rubber (feels so real), thick but not too thick, with balls, suction cup, red color. very discreet sale."

Friend of mine is dumping his Knicks tickets for tonight's matchup against LeBron James and the rest of the Cleveland Cavs. If anyone's interested the CL posting is right here.

When will this nastiness pass? Black Cloud, please go back to where you crawled out of. Look at what you brought. This weather blows. This market blows. Everyone is sick. Go away Mr. Cloud. Please!

This just added to the RP dicktionary:

blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.
beef curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

London Mayor "Red Ken" Livingstone recently heard remarking:

"I just long for the day I wake up and find that the Saudi royal family are swinging from lampposts."

Four men have been arrested after 200 pounds of cocaine and $800,000 in cash was found stashed in a rapper's tour bus and car entourage. Rapper Gloria Velez was NOT arrested but four members of her posse, including her manager, were. KTB says 200 pounds of coke is a fucking lot. What were they thinking?

A woman pretending to be pregnant tried to smuggle 4 pounds of heroin past UK customs in a fake belly. She has been jailed for almost four years. KTB applaudes her creativity but KTB doesn't condone her degeneracy. Those crazy Brits.

Amigula Incorporated (Other OTC:AMJL) the Worlds First Publicly traded Medical Marijuana Company announced yesterday that the company intends to support research on medicinal marijuana and sponsor large-scale clinical trials. KTB has a buy order in to their broker already. Go AMJL.

Today's Gawker reports on lighthearted Easter fun on Sunday in NY's Central Park.

The idiot pictured here was on the receiving end of a major ass whooping. The rest of the pix from this Sunday series can be seen here.
[via Gawker]

Let me just say this: Death to the Black Cloud and shame on me for not fading him. The stock I'm refering to is DECK (Decker Outdoor Corp) - the piece of shit company that is responsible for flooding U.S. Markets with Ugg boots. The Cloud called it short a few weeks ago and sure enough I had it short. What has the stock done since then? Ohhhh, it's only up about 20%. Death to the Black Cloud.

First it was Jack of White Stripes mixing it up. Then it was Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age duking it out. And now, Chester of Chesterwhite, kicks the shit out of a drunk little Russian while touring in Philly.

Local NYC band Chesterwhite's frontman Chester, decamped off stage mid-song and pummelled a drunk russian reveler to a pulp. I only wish I could have been there to seen it myself. Read more at chesterwhite.com. BTW, this sounds an awful lot like something that can happen to a short stout friend of mine (ahem Tabby).

Starring my two favorite crackheads: Mr. Poo and Tabby. These two drunks don't know each other but they do know of one another. If they worked together, this is what I picture them saying regarding last nite's boring Sopranos episode:

Tabby: Bro, Sopranos sucked last nite. So gay.
Mr. Poo: Yeah, was kind of lame. Where was all the dirt?
Tabby: Bro, Tony needs some Vitamin C.
Mr. Poo: I could use a little pick me up as well. ***wink wink***
Tabby: Bro, want to go powder our horns? I'm holding.
Mr. Poo: ***wink wink***

My children

Dangerous Don

Very Dangerous Don

Kill Kill Kill

Bird Killer

My friend Don Giovanni is in town again from Firenze, Italia. He's never been outside a metropolitan city so taking Don Giovanni to the country was a radical experience for him. He stared at the trees and gawked at the birds.

Continued here.

Today, I entered Tabby's cauldron of sin. It was dark. It was pitted with nightmares. I felt an aura of rape settle over me. I took some pictures. Some distortion may have occurred due to the bio-degenerate pulses blanketing his inferno.

So nice and clean. But the fire burns within.

Graznayi troosiki. Yuck!

Obviously evil Von Dutch crap.

From out of nowhere rises a phoenix.

"Help me" swears the phoenix.

The phoenix humps the loathsome pillow.

The phoenix collects samples of Tabby-ism.

Tomorrow is Good Friday and the market is closed. That means I'm off baby. Besides nursing a nasty hangover, what else is there to do tomorrow? These are some of the items on my plate:

1. Six Flags Great Adventure  
Unless the hangover is kicking at 200%, I don't see why I shouldn't head out there.
2. Thunder Mountain Trap & Skeet
Get your hick ass out of the city and shoot up the clay pigeons at Thunder Mountain in Ringwood, NJ. Ahhh, this is another excellent idea. I haven't shot any shit up in a long time. It's about that time of year to let the Berettas loose.

3. The weather forecast for this long weekend calls for decent, sunny, 50 degree + weather. What else to do? How about grabbing your camera and snap some random shots of the city? Always good for several hours of enjoyment in my book.
4. And last but not least.
When all else fails, keep the party going. Grab a case of PBR's and keep on drinking.

"I have never been so scared in my life. Scared doesn’t cover it: terrified doesn’t, either. I'd never known it was possible to be terrified and be totally calm. "

"And then you’d hear the thump of another mortar round, but you don’t really hear those---you feel them, somehow."

"More than that, it was the concrete reality that you were going to die. I felt that a few times yesterday, last night, and this morning."

"Fallujah was on everyone’s mind, but nobody---thank God----said it. "

"I can’t describe what it’s like. You’re wearing twenty pounds of gear in helmet and vest, and the sound the bombs make screeching in seems not so much audible as it sensory. You feel it first. You know what sound a bullet makes going through the air? SWWWWWiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhh. It seems to burrow through the air with an odd slowness, as if it were greasy and that makes it slip through the air. If I were 11 Bravo, I’d have earned my combat infantrymen’s badge, except of course the fact that I’m a woman means I don’t get stuff like that. The way the Army has it set up, it doesn’t matter if you do the job, if you’re a woman----you’re not supposed to do it, so you don’t get acknowledgement if you do."

A hyper funny rant against blogs, Movable Type, bloggers and Jews. No sorry, no Jews. Just kidding.

Last nite consisted of Tsingtao appetizers and Knob Creek entrees. I'm hurting. Words and letters barely make sense to me right now.

I was out with my partner in crime Tabby. It was Tuesday but what does that matter? Does the day of the week really have much to do with how one poisons himself? I think not. Our nite commenced with dinner at No. 1 Chinese - the new Chinese eatery brought to us by the folks from Frank and Supper. I loved it there. The place was dark, hushed and once again, I found myself downstairs in a sub-terranean, cavernous room. What is up with this motif? Is cavernous the new black?

Tsingtao beers were accompanied by chicken lettuce wraps a la Mr. Chows (Chows actually serves them up with squab). The entree was a double serving of General Tso's chicken. Both of the courses were quite tasty and best yet, very reasonably priced. The highlight of dinner occurred when Tabby ate one of the dried red peppers included in the General's dish. His first reaction was to spit -- initially on the table, then onto himself, and finally in a napkin. Bravo Tabby, you're learning every day. Then he flumoxed and flustered and drank all the water on the table until his tongue was numbed down to an icy little prick. It was quite a scene.

I look forward to going back to No. 1 Chinese and sampling several other dishes including the peking duck and various appetizers.

From here, we proceeded cross-town to that scandalous neighborhood the Meatpacking District. Jean George's Spice Market was on the menu but only for drinks and eye candy. We were done with beer and moved along non-too-gently to Knobs and ginger. Such an easy sipping drink this is yet the day after is always a vicious one.

Spice Market is a loud and robust restuarant but it's beauty lies in the fact that there are actually two bars from which one could brave the nether regions. Upstairs sits a welcoming bar decorated with wooden window slats reminding me of a casino's cash pit. You wait in line to hand your cash (chips) in and are given drinks (cash) back in return. How brilliant. Downstairs is the focal drinking area though. Here we found what we'd been looking for: drinks, eye candy and a bevvy of fellow drunks willing to listen to Tabby's self-aggrandizing tales. I do recall him telling one of his audience that he was in the "import escort" business. Yes he meant to say export but Tabby's verbal skills spiral downward with every effusive cocktail. By the end of the night, Tabby and I were known as the two drunk pimps.

But now my head hurts and I'm crawling back into bed. Cheers.

For further reviews of No. 1 Chinese, check out Lockhart Steele's recent write up.

What can I say? There's just not much of interest for me to blah blah blah about today. But there is one topic of interest: TASR aka Taser International Inc. This is the company that manufactures non-lethal stun guns for use in law enforcement, military and other similar types of applications. CBS News profiled Taser last nite regarding fatalities that are associated with this company's product.

Of note is that this stock was trading at $2 per share as of May, 2003. Today, it's at 87.00. It's up -- for lack of a better word -- a fucking shitload. As of the start of April, 2004, there were 9.3 million shares in the float. 40% of those shares are short. What does that mean exactly? That means that in today's trading session, with the stock being up nearly 10 points, roughly $40 million + was lost by short sellers in this fucking stock. Short sellers hope to sell stocks with the intention of profiting once the stocks price drops. If the stock goes up the shorts lose money and Taser has been going up for what seems like eternity.

Short sellers have been shorting Taser for months now. How do I know? I just do. I'm glad that I'm not one of these guys because tomorrow's headline may just have featured myself.

So without any further ado, here is tomorrow's New York Post headline today:

HealingIraq - an amazing blog from Baghdad penned by an Iraqi dentist. This is getting a permanent link in my Links section. To quote from HealingIraq:

"Doors are locked, and AK-47's are being loaded and put close by in case they are needed. The phone keeps ringing frantically. Baghdadis are horrified and everyone seems to have made up their mind to stay home tomorrow until the situation is clear."

The temperature outside is 33 frigid degrees and with wind chill feels like a balmy 24 degrees. Winter is still with us. I do recall reading that groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and called for 6 more weeks of winter. He was dead on right.

Photos have surfaced of 19 year old Kelly Osbourne buying drugs on Sunset Boulevard while driving daddy's BMW. As if anyone is completely shocked by this. Ozzy's reaction: "Because I'm a drug addict," he said. "I really think it's in the genes." Genius. Pure fucking genius.
[via Gawker]

Don't you just love when you go to check your Hotmail acount and you get this message?

Server too busy.

Just 90 minutes after this photo was taken at a club, Euro soccer star David Beckham nailed his personal assistant Rebeca Loos (Loose?) and in the process cheated on his lovely wife Victoria Posh Spice. While Victoria was 800 miles away in London, Becks was at a Madrid Hotel working his bedroom magic over his 26 year old personal assistant.

This is London actually obtained a series of text messages between Beckham and his Loos pal. Quoting verbatim:

Mark Bowden, the author of Blackhawk Down and Killing Pablo, writes on how to respond to the horrors perpetrated in Fallujah:

This just in from the Black Cloud itself:

A sick fuck demanding cocaine took eight people hostage today in a bank and threatened to detonate a hand grenade unless he was given the drug, police said. His first demand was beer and smokes. You know how it goes from there.... So much for having just one beer huh pal?

Capital H heroin overdoses have tripled in Massachusetts teens in the last four years. Dumb kids.

In England, a "Mum" and a friend smuggled smack to jailed inmates in their "knickers". What the fuck are knickers? I'm assuming that they're panties. My friend Tabby wears dirty panties but there's no smack in 'em.

I have two major crackhead friends in my life - Mr. Poo and Tabby. They're not friends with one another but they do know of each other. I wish the two of them worked together. This is how I imagine their conversation regarding last night's stellar Sopranos episode:

"Did you see Soprano's last night?"
"Bro, it was sick!"
"Yeah, what an episode, so much dirt."
"So much Vitamin C."
"Yeah, it was really snowing on HBO last night."
"Want to go to the bathroom with me?"
"Sure."

It's always nice to leave the concrete behind and get out of New York. I'm very fortunate in that I have my escape upstate and I try not to take it for granted.

The subject matter in these photos includes an old bridge made of stone and rock. I wish I knew more about it except that it no longer serves its function. Continued here.

How fun it is stumbling into a bar which is not yet opened to the public under the guise of being owner's friends. And it's even funnier when you're not even posing as the so called friends but people just assume it to be so. And it's even mind bogglingly funnier when your sham is up but you've already ordered drinks, not yet paid for them and it's no longer economically feasible for management to ask you to leave.

These are the events surrounding our visit to the new cavernous sub-terranean hangout at Table 50.

Located on the northwest corner of Broadway and Bleecker, Table 50 opened to the public last nite. The space is located underground and I was told it used to house an S&M bar. The lighting is dim and the walkways between the bar and lounge area are denoted by curved chateau-esque doorways. The walls are of brick. The bar itself is built upon good old century tested New York City granite. Beams of spectral light cast the bricked walls in a skeletal manner - as if the walls were made of ribs instead of brick. It's an appealing look that lends the space a sexy and a "let's go in the corner to fuck/snort" demeanor.

Arriving straight from Great Jones Cafe, the crew and I were really the first patrons Table 50 has known. All was well with our untimely entrance but one of the bartenders was a real prick and tried to get us to leave. When he realized that we weren't the owner's friends - we're not really anyone's friends for that matter - he told us that they weren't going to be open for another half hour and we should come back. If not for the fact that our drinks had already been made (yet unpaid for), I'm sure this cretin would have had his way. So we stayed and watched the black clad waiters and waitresses prep for the evening.

The female bartender that served us was a real delight. We enjoyed the pleasure of her company. Aptly named Brook (we thought it was Grove - too much bourbon), she was a treat on the eyes as well as uncharacteristically smug free. We tipped well and she poured the bourbon even better. At some point, the night fades into a blur and I found myself going home.

Overall, I can see Table 50 evolving into the next Halo or such. It has a really cool feel, very comfortable setting and lots of dark corners for all kinds of activities.

Not content with merely practicing his rolfing skills, a certain cloudy friend of mine decided to lay into his patient. And lay into him he did.

This poor bastard reminds me of the time Tabby and I were drunk and Tabby decided to attempt a squat thrust on a fire hydrant. Bowling balls had become regular anal beads for the Tab-man so it seemed rational that hydrants were next in line. A few drops of olive oil and Tabby had the hydrant planted firmly in his bum. Too bad this fatso didn't use any olive oil.

I have just been informed of this latest in breaking news. Mr. Poo's long lost daddy, has mysteriously re-appeared. No one is quite sure as to why Daddy Poo has chosen to come out of hiding at this time. Some speculate that it's to save his very own son - the Poo - from the destructive downward spiral he's caught up in. In case, you're unaware, the Poo has a capital "H" habit and his new love is of no help. Hopefully Daddy Poo can save his flesh and blood from destroying anymore of his nasal cavity.
[via RustyPenny]

It's Thursday so you now Daily Candy will be releasing their weekend guide today. My favorite part of their w/e guide is the Eat section. Today, they recommend Room 18 over on Spring and Elizabeth. Sounds like a plan.

What's also a plan is to hit every bar within 5 square blocks of Room 18 and pass the day/night away. It's been a shitty week. My time in Utah seems like years ago. The market sux, the Black Cloud sux and Tabby is MIA. What else can go wrong?

Today being April Fool's, I'm thinking about playing a little joke on Tabby. I'm thinking along the lines of crushing up a Cert or Tic Tac, putting it in some tin foil, and offering him a little pick me up during lunch....

We'll all just have to wait and see.

So this is KTB's new look. And I don't mean Nu Look. I know I have to rework the colors at the top of the page. My CSS skills have shot up sharply since I've begun work on this move.

Any and all feedback is welcome. Even if it's from Tabby or his bum friends.

In other news today, Steve "The Filthy Fucking Animal" Berger has gone and gotten his ass kicked off the South Florida Indy League Racing Series. Not only did he bang the race commissioner's wife in her arse, but he also flipped his ride. Oh well. Back to the farm piggy.

I've been toiling with migrating this site off of blogger and onto Movable Type personal publishing software. I've been able to get MT up and running but I'm having tons of issues with personalizing the CSS and setting up my templates. Seems like there's more to this blogging hobby than I originally thought.

This also explains my lack of posts lately. The MT move has been taking up 100% of my leisure time - time which I normally spent reporting on the crack habits of most of my friends.

I'll try to do both over the next few days - post here and work on the move - but posting will still be kind of erratic.

My first MT entry