KTB

MT espouses

"Girls are those pretty things that you make out with in bars because they want your coke and whom you will never call no matter what you say while you’re tugging down their sorbet hued hip-huggers. Friends are the ones who pretend that you really don’t have a drug problem but put you in a cab at five in the morning even though you’re pretty sure you know a spot that’ll still serve you and you believe you aren’t that drunk yet anyway."

As if living in New York City wasn't expensive enough, the T&LC approved a 25% fare hike today. For me, this means that my morning commute will rocket up from $4.10 ($5.00 with tip) to a whopping $5.00 ($6.00 with tip). When will the madness end? When will it all end?

I blame this all on Bloomberg, Mr. Poo and Steve Berger.

I've finally gotten around to organizing and posting my pix from my trip to St. George, Utah. A few are pictured below while the rest are in the Spirit of Utah gallery.

This pic reminds me of what Mars may look like.

I see a gladiator helmet. Others see a face here.

St. George, Utah is truly a beautiful place. I've never seen a bluer sky or a cleaner night. Shining stars were visible in every direction and the light of the moon illuminated over the St. George landscape like a fluorescent beacon.

The daily routine consisted of waking up at 7AM, having breakfast, relaxing and then embarking on a 4 to 7 mile hike. The hikes varied from a walk in the desert to ascending 10,000 foot peaks. OK, so maybe I'm off on the exact footage but it was damn high.

Continued here.

Just a little personal insight here. Upon returning from Vegas this past weekend, I vowed not to drink/party for weeks upon months. I came home beaten and battered like a left-handed stepchild. And even though I was good last nite when I went down to Great Jones solo and devoured crawfish sans any spirits, I am already feeling a thirst creeping up in the darkest recesses of my loins. It's only Tuesday and I feel a binge brewing in the near future.

If I can make it to Thursday, great, otherwise I'll be at Reservoir tonight downing Knobs and ginger while shooting at defenseless white tails on Buck Hunter. Tabby, I know I can expect your unassuming company considering you broke your own vow last nite. Pathetic Tabby. All of us, we're just pathetic.

Engadget reports on a new auto product designed to interface between a car stereo and an iPod via firewire connection. The Ice-Link, as it's called, does away with the cassette and FM tuner based hook ups and allows for true streamless iPod integration. Supposedly, you'll even be able to use your car stereo to pause and play your tunes. My experience with playing my iPod on my car stereo is only with Griffin's iTripp FM broadcast unit. Unfortunately, the iTripp is such a radical piece of garbage that I'd sworn off any new car products until they were thoroughly tested and available.

[via engadget]

Today's Gothamist reveals that Adriana LaCerva, the Sopranos cast mate played by Drea De Matteo will be killed off in a future episode. Yikes!!! Loose lips sink ships and she's been blabbing to the wrong people. I don't know if this is wholly true or not but I'll be sad to see her go. She's certainly more pleasant to look at than James Gandolfini.

[via Gothamist]

This just in from the Dark Cloud himself:

BLACK CLOUD #2
Hey everybody. For those of you who enjoyed my first newsletter and gave positive feedback, thank you. All else, kiss it. Send me money you cheap fucks. Paypal your donation to bulgenut@yahoo.com this shit is not going to be free much longer. Just a reminder about the nature of this information – It is a contrarian indicator. You should DO THE OPPOSITE. I have proven time and again to all those who have traded on the same floor with me that my instincts are always wrong!!!! I continually buy tops and short bottoms and jinx others positions when I copycat trades. Unfortunately, I wait for the move and then join in only in time for my P&L to experience the reversal. Lets look at last week’s picks and see how they finished the week (If its in red I was wrong and green I was right- light green and I was flat):

RIMM –6.00 (but was down 12 at its lows)
EBAY -1.50 (but was down almost 3.50)
DSCO -.30
RMKR -.50 (this one hurt because its only at 2.75)
IVAN -.10
NFLX -1.50 (at its low had fallen 2.75)
OTEX +.30 (this stock bear trapped me by dropping below 27.40 triggering a sell sign before ripping up to 29.70 – haven’t I suffered enough in this stock???)
$TRAN – broke through its 50 day ma but then popped back up and looks like it broke its downtrend from its FEB highs. Very Bullish if you ask me.
SYMC +3.30 (wow, got one right but fell 2 bucks b4 rallying 5)
$GPX – I was right about this one, Fridays close was at 577 and I called 575!
MCD -.25
DECK -.50

Basically, if you had daytraded and faded all my opinions, you would have made money in almost every stock. MCD you could have made 60 cents long before it turned around and SYMC 2 bucks short the first day. My fav longs were RIMM, EBAY, SYMC, and RMKR and they all tanked. You could have made 12 points in RIMM by the second day. I really am terrible. But that’s fantastic news for you guys out there. I’m calling this an 85% victory on a 1 or 2 day hold and a 70% success rate on the weeks close (if you did the opposite of what I said of course). Holy shit, show me someone else’s picks with those percentages.

The market looks top heavy here all around. Doesn’t everything look like its forming head and shoulders? Yet I remain Bullish. I guess we will have to see. This weeks picks are:

SHORTS:
DECK – 24.99 This fucker just won’t go down, unlike an Asian whore near a large, beautiful cock. If this stock gets above 25.50 I’m covering my short and getting long – it’s got a gap down to fill at 26.50. On the flipside, it’s got a ton of support at 24 (50 day ma here now). I just don’t know about this down under blunder but I’m holding short.

OTEX – 28.80 Why oh why does this piece of shit keep fucking me? I’m short from 27 and doubling down at 29.50, tripling down at 30, quadrupling down at 31 and closing my account above that. YOU SHOULD ALL BE LONG THIS FUCKER!!!!

DISH – 33.70 Apparently on the TV it says that all Viacom stations will no longer be shown on Echostar’s DISH program. Holy shit, that’s like all the good stations. Viacom owns everything. I would say be short DISH. The chart is gross looking and it missed earnings by .08 cents (coming in at a measly .01). Below 30 it’s going to bone clitty.

LONGS:
BONT – 14.84 This strong retailer is bull flagging here and SERSEN loves it. Don’t go against this master of emotional control. If I could only emulate his Borgian discipline when it comes to life. Don’t fade this one – it’s not my pick! Buy pullins.

OIH – 68.25 The Oil service HLDRS stock has pulled in from 75 and I think it’s a buy down here. Gas prices are only going up and I just figure it might be simple math to offset personal rising fuel costs by owning a piece of this industry.

JNPR – 25.37 Very bullish on this fucker. Filled the 23.50 gap up in Jan. and has now broken the downtrend from 1/20/04 high of 31.25. 20% of float is short. Be long if greater market is strong.

BCSI – 50.68 Breaking out if its bull rectangle formation once it got through 49.57- now it’s got 10 points in it. Look to see it at 60 soon.

NFLX –28.97 I wasn’t sure about this stock last week until I found out Witzy is covering. He’s been right on lately and as he says, “A market timer is never wrong, just early.” 80% of the float is short and this stock has pulled in 50% of its last up move. Time to start buying. And if you haven’t tried Netflix its awesome. Great DVD’s. Anyone want to help me start up Pornflixxx.com with the same winning formula? Let me know.

I’m very bullish on the Casino’s based on the fact that Evil and company probably just boosted all their 2nd quarter profits this weekend. And who doesn’t love “The Apprentice”? Check out DJT. I only wish there was a hooker index.

I would just like to say that I’m calling the top in this real estate market. Personally, I’m looking to buy, coupled with the fact that more people own homes now than ever. And I quote from MSNBC “With a big boost from low interest rates, the nation’s 68 percent home ownership rate is the highest ever, while minority home ownership is just over 50 percent.” Who is left to buy? Even the minorities own. It’s got to be the top. Everyone who was in at the top of the Daytraders market is now selling mortgages and refi’s. Gotta start getting short homebuilders (NVR, BZH, KBH) and mortgage companies (FNM, CFC), but I’ll save that for next week.

"haven’t I suffered enough in this stock?"
"This fucker just won’t go down, unlike an Asian whore near a large, beautiful cock."
"Why oh why does this piece of shit keep fucking me? I’m short from 27 and doubling down at 29.50, tripling down at 30, quadrupling down at 31 and closing my account above that."
"I only wish there was a hooker index."
"Even the minorities own."

Vegas, baby, Vegas. I can't wait to come home already.

Last nite was fucking insane. Friday nite. We went to Rain - the nightclub in the Palms Hotel. The line to get in was immense. Literally, the line started at the entrance and extended thru and around the entire casino floor. What would have been a several hour wait was cut to no wait due to a few greenbacks placed strategically in a door man's palm.

Inside, the place was jam packed. There is an indoor and an outdoor area to Rain. We set up camp outdoors because it was much less crowded there. Within the club though, it was craziness. People were packed in but not overwhelmingly. The crowd was a mix of west coast kids along with the yuppified Vegas tourists.

The highlight of the nite was an impromptu live performance by the Black Eyed Peas. It was totally unscripted. No one knew they were going to perform. When they came on the stage, the crowd revelled in a frenzy. I was lucky enough to be at the very front row and I had a close up of the whole performance. The chick from the band (she's so hot) stage dove onto my area of the crowd. I'm sure she spotted me and just wanted to get closer. It was sick. I have a bunch of pix on my camera phone. I'll try to get them up a little later.

On another note, The Kid's diet consisted of Vitamin C, Vitamin E, a ton of bourbon, xanax and ambien. He was in rare form. Actually, not too rare since this is an average kind of thing for him. Tabby, look out, you've got competition for crackhead of the year.

Update:

Black Eyed Peas Photos

I took these pix with my Samsung camera phone. Resolution is crappy at best. I also wish I caught the moment when the chick dove on top of me and my section but I was too caught up in the moment.

If you have a few minutes, definitely catch this video - Quicktime version. The subject matter points out just how foolish the anti-Bush protesters are. Blinded by their very own hatred by anything non-leftist, these raging hate mongers only know one agenda - if it's Bush, it's bad. The author of the video puts it this way:

"Some people would like you to think President Bush lied when he talked about Saddam Hussein's weapons. But, if Bush lied, then so did many of the people who are criticizing him now. When Bill Clinton was in office, his fellow Democrats had much to say about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. But, if you hear them talk now, you'd think the entire party suffers from amnesia. Democrats used to talk tough about Iraq. They did when one of their own was in the White House. And they did when polls showed it was politically helpful to support President Bush. But now, it's campaign season, and they've changed their tune. To find out if the spin was sticking, I quizzed some peace protesters using hawkish quotes from notable Democrats."

What are you still doing here? Go watch the video already. [via instapundit]

A Chicago mob beat a truck driver within inches of his life after he accidentally ran over a pedestrian - Eddie Boyd.

The driver was Hispanic - Miguel Chavez. The crowd was black. Why is this not being labeled a hate crime?

Let's assume for one second that the crowd was white and the driver was black. The same scenario stands and the driver gets out after accidentally running over a whitey. The white crowd, enraged and upset, proceeds and beats the blackey to a pulp. Al Sharpton would be at the driver's hospital bedside before I could say "collard greens". Am I wrong? Fuck no!

And the media elite (you know who you are) refuses to hammer this newstory with the stamp of racism. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit and yet more bullshit. The animals that are responsible for the beating of Miguel Chavez should be not just tried with assault and battery, but the dastardly deed of hate crime should be added on as well. I don't think I'm wrong here. [via drudge]

Today I embark on a dangerous journey across the country to the desert aka Las Vegas. Posting will be erratic over the next three days or so.

Daily Candy's weekend guide, published today, points to eat at Azul. They write:

Azul
What: A jumping LES Argentine bistro, which serves sizzling steak, empanadas, and ceviche.
Why: You're so busy worrying about subway bombs that you forgot about mad-cow disease. Don't worry: Azul's New Zealand Angus is free-range.
When: Dinner served from 5:30 p.m.-midnight.
Where: 152 Stanton St., at Suffolk St. (646-602-2004).

RP defines yet more useful terminology for the NY-centric today:

chestnut pie
This act involves running up to some filthy who’s stuck in traffic, pulling out your junk, and pressing it against her car window. A favorite among NYC commuters since they pass by countless hotties stuck in gridlock on their commute to or from work. It’s the reverse of a pressed ham. Not recommended for use on SUVs as you may tear your sac trying to lift it up to window level.

French authorities seem to have found a bomb on a railroad track somewhere in France.

Is it true? Not 100% sure yet. Too bad they found it though. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I love the French. Who else will we have to mow our lawns here after the French are expelled from their country by the new natives there? Who else will be delivering lunch to my office one day when the Muslim intifada kicks in in Gay Paree? We'll all have the French to thank one day. Merci, monsieur, now get me my cafe au lait bitch!

"So I decided to channel my creative energies into writing a movie all about a man that turns into a car. I'd play the man/car. How great would that be? And when the man (me) turns into a car, a little boy rides around in him. Originally, I didn't even want there to be a little boy in the movie, but all of my movie producer friends forced me to do it so that the movie could sell lots and lots of tickets. So once I was compelled to put a little boy in my movie, I figured that the man that turns into Hot Rod could drive him to his all-boy Catholic school and to afterschool activities like soccer practice. You know what Catholic schools and soccer practices have? Parking lots where there are lots of other cars to love. Cars so innocent and soft and beautiful..."

Your friend,
Michael "Hot Rod" Jackson

Engadget reports today that Apple's AAC music format has been chosen as the format of choice for DVD Audio standards. More here.

Why am I reporting this? Because I'm a huge fan of Apple computers and I've been pushing Apple stock on all my friends since it was trading at 18. Current price of Apple stock: 25.46. Go Steve Jobs!

We can all stop living in fear and go back to getting drunk every night. Officials from Hamas announced that the Palestinian militant group had no intention of attacking U.S. targets following Israel's assassination of the Islamic faction's spiritual leader. That sure puts me in a jolly mood this morning. I'll be celebrating by downing pints of lager over at Gingerman during lunch.

The New York Times confirms today that city and state officials are in fact due to announce plans to build a 75,000 seat stadium on Manhattan's West Side. Sources indicate that the stadium will feature a retractable roof and is set to go over the railway yards bound by 11th and 12th Avenues, between 30th and 34th Streets.

I wonder how this will affect the late nite street hooker scene in and around that area. Boom or bust?

But this is great news for Jets fans in the City. I personally loathed the trek from my apartment to Giants stadium to catch a Jets game. I wonder how tailgating will work in the city as well. Will there be a giant parking area located just outside the stadium. Is there even room for such a giant parking lot? More on this developing story as it breaks.

KTB loves drugs. Reading about them that is. With that in mind, here are some interesting drug stories making headlines today:

Boy, 5, Sprinkles Marijuana Over Friend's Lasagna At School Cafeteria...

4 year old brings $7,500 worth of crack to school

Dentist trades drugs for sex

Toilets closed because of rampant drug use. The fact that people were crapping all over the place because of certain drugs' laxative effects had nothing to do with it.

More to come.

You heard it here second folks: N.Y. OFFICIALS TO PRESS AHEAD ON NEW STADIUM FOR JETS IN MID-TOWN MANHATTAN...
DEVELOPING [via drudge]

I have nothing against Donovan McNabb nor do I have anything against Rush Limbaugh. But when Rush pointed out that McNabb was black (news to me) and was subsequently fired for it, I was quite upset that the media elite had failed to defend him and even ripped him apart for pointing out the obvious. In fact, I do recall that he was labeled a racist for his point of fact comments.

Today, I read about Boston Globe sports writer Rob Ryan's comments on ESPN Radio's Tony Kornheiser Show. Ryan said Wednesday on ESPN Radio's nationally syndicated Tony Kornheiser Show that the Commodores had ''too many white guys'' to beat Western Michigan in today's first round of the NCAA men's basketball tournament. ...

Wow. Limbaugh was fired for his completely non-offensive black commentary and this jerkoff slams an entire race of hoops players. Ryan's response to all this: "...it's a black man's game and the white man is privileged to be allowed to step on the court,'' Ryan said. ''It's beyond my comprehension that anyone who likes basketball would be so dense and ignorant and just clueless not to understand where I was coming from.''

Basically, what Ryan's saying is that if you disagree with him or think his comments are racially insensitive, then you're an idiot. Well fuck you Mr. Ryan. I hope your nuts gets caught in a vise grip. And yes, this prick should be fired. But he won't be.

By the way, the white boys from Vanderbilt won so once again, go fuck yourself Mr. Ryan.

Read all the details about Ryan's insipid stupidity at donaldsensing.com. [via instapundit]

Today's Page Six asks the following:

WHICH married superstar athlete just asked a stripper to change her "professional" name and paid her $20,000 to keep quiet about their relationship?

Isn't that interesting?

"Alright numbnuts, we got bikes to build" - Spoken by the great zen philosopher Paul Teutul Sr. of OCC.

Crawfish season is officially underway here in New York City. For the next several months, Great Jones Cafe over at 54 Great Jones Street (aka E 3rd Street b/t Bowery and Lafayette) will be serving little red mudbugs harvested from the Gulf Coast for our eating pleasure.

This is what I live for. Seriously, crawfish are, in my humble opinion, the Cajun's Gods gifts to infidels such as myself.

I relished over three pounds of these fresh little critters tonight. And I'm not talking about the cheap Chinese variety. These are USA's finest mudbugs. Delivered alive and kicking to Great Jones' giant vats before being boiled to a pulp.

If you can't get down to New Orleans in the next few months, head to Great Jones. You will not regret it. Don't forget, suck the heads and eat the tails. It's more than just a lesson in life. And, if you're one of the few mongrels out there who doesn't eat crawfish, Great Jones is known for making the best Blood Mary in New York.

I returned yesterday from a fortnight's excursion out West. After sleeping off my jet lag, I spoke to a few friends. One of my conversations was particularly funny. I cannot say with whom I spoke. You are all free to guess for yourselves. This is how the conversation went:

me: sup dude. how you doing?
dummy: same shit bro. same shit.
me: utah was sick. vegas was sicker.
dummy: word. say word.
dummy: what did you do with your dog while you were away?
me: what do you mean?
dummy: where did you leave her?
me: i was only gone 1 week. i left her at home by herself. i put out a dozen bowls of water, a dozen bowls of canned food and left the radio on. when i came home, there was shit and piss everywhere but what can you do? - obviously, i was fucking around with him
dummy: that's smart that you left food and water for her. - he wasn't.

Wow, nice tan. [Thanks Tom]

Michael Jackson once said, "I'm nothing without my fans. Especially the kids." I'd like to add that I'd be nothing without my fans either. Particulary my retarded brothers from the North.

Last week, a reader wrote in:

Dear asshole,
I think you're a fag, like your friend the Bum. Nah, just kidding. Except the she-male bum is definitely a fag. I have photos for you. These are from my hotel room in Toronto. I banged this russian skank and thought you'd like to see.

Yours truly,
Peltz

And here are Peltz's pictures:

Mr. Peltz, you are a man of honor. Thanks for the pix. May I solemnly suggest that you upgrade your camera for your next expose.

The boys from NERD have a new CD coming out Tuesday, March 23rd. I'll be getting it either via iTunes or ACQ, whichever has it first.

Stolen from RP's dictionary:

cop's delight : The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spooing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

burrito hick-ups: Pinching out fractionized portions of farts while walking someplace with your date.

the carpet cleaner, aka Hoover: While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

Finally, a website after my own heart. Strike that. Make that a website after my own liver. Any website with pix of Mr. Poo

is a site I can relish.

For more coverage of dirt in Jersey, visit rustypenny.com

I've returned from my extended trip out west and am feeling great. Just a tad broker though. Utah was excellent. Vegas.... well, what can one say about Vegas? It was March Madness and now I'm poor again. I may have to go to massage school...

Posting will continue on a regular basis again except for this weekend. I'm heading back to Sin City. I've a bachelor party to attend to.

Photos of Utah will be up in the next few days. I'm having technical difficulties with my laptop and Apple is fucking me, excuse my French.

In other news, the complete set of pix from SXSW can be had at bulgenut's photo page.

Can anyone identify this pathetic new wave freak?

And here is a new feature of KTB: Black Cloud's Weekly Stock Calls.

Black Clouds weekly predictions. Never trust the weather. I feel we have been witnessing a secondary bear pattern as previous buyers have begun distributing stocks and setting up a pattern that will pop up on volume and resume our Bull Market. My question is this…Can stocks continue to rise as the dollar continues to drop? Oil prices are going higher and Greenspan can do nothing but raise interest rates in the near future. I feel in my gut that we are still very Bullish amidst these bearish concerns. You all know what to do. Here are my pics:

DECK – Head and shoulders pattern here. Look for next above average volume down day and Sell the shit out of it. 24.50 should be the right shoulder and if it holds look for support at the 50 day MA 23.33 and then again around 22. If it breaks below should see low 17’s. What bitches are wearing Uggly boots in the summer???? Thanks for that one Serge. We were too early, thanks for covering the top for me and getting me long. You owe me dinner still.

NFLX – 28.50 was the .618 fibonacci retracement from the high of 39.77. It has now rebounded back up to 31.51. It is now touching an uptrend line starting from around 2.50 from 10/02. It should rebound up or if it breaks below 29 could signal a significant down move. If Witzy shorts more than I say get long. Otherwise, it’s safe to fade him.

RIMM – Very strong. Be long if it clears 100. Watch if it breaks below 93, could signal a breakdown and a head and shoulders pattern.

IVAN – Support at 2.00 I’m still long. Should have sold 7.50 with Sers.

RMKR – 2.73 I really like this stock. We are breaking out here, begin accumulating on down days. Could go to 5.

OTEX – I fucking hate this piece of shit stock. 27.40 is huge support. If it can go lower look for it to move into low 20’s.

EBAY – Strong, strong, strong. If it can clear 70 to the upside on big volume. Buy and hold. Who doesn’t use Ebay and its spring cleaning and selling time. I’m using Ebay all the time and with Paypal they are just cleaning up. I see big times ahead for this company. I owned and sold at 73 pre-split this time last year. I suck. Black Cloud. 67.70 is 50 day MA.

SYMC – If it can clear 45 it should see 50 in a few days.

DSCO – This stock is hovering right at its uptrend line from its big gap up last December around 11.45. 50 day MA is at 11.80. It could pop here.

MCD - I just saw the move “Super Size Me” and it destroys McDonalds. The golden arches could be putting in a double arched top, especially that they are taking this documentary very serious by canceling its Super Size program. Its roughly 2.00 off its high and could have put a V top in. No way this stock can hold up after the damage Mad Cow has put in the way back of consumers minds. Just wait until this hits theaters. Bye Bye McMurderers. Sell Sell Sell Sell all up days. 1st support around 27. See you back down at 12!

$GPX. Get your platinum on because we are very strong in the precious metals index. Bull flag break out at 555 and we are now at 564. I think we will see 575 soon.

$TRAN - Dow Transports look like crap…which could be the first indication that the bigger picture of this market is going down….just need the DJIA to join in the carnage. We are sitting on the 200 Day MA at 2785. Lets see if we can hold this. I would be long.

And remember, if you make money off of any of my predictions (whether you do the opposite or not) throw me a bone, I gots to eat too. You all know I sure as hell can’t make any money in this market so I hope you can profit off of my bad luck. Please paypal all donations to me at bulgenut@yahoo.com. Even $5.00 will help feed a child for a day.

I'll be covering my positions first thing Monday morning. Thanks alot you filthy animal!

It's a wrap. The sxsw film festival ends this week. Although awards were presented to the winning pieces this past Tuesday night indiewire.com.screenings took place till weeks end. I tried to catch Blackballed one last time but it was completely SOLD OUT before I had a chance. Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait for the theatrical release later this year to see it a third time. It seems like this gem of a movie is really buzzing, aint-it-cool-news.com

My return to NY has been slightly derailed in a gonzojournalism kind of way. Yes, I've been up and drunk for the past 24 hours. But I'm in Vegas, baby, Vegas. Viva, Las Vegas.... March Madness + free liquor + Tabby's dirt hookup = Fear and Fear in LV. What started out as a spirit cleansing in Utah has quickly degenerated into a destroy your body fest while trying not to go broke. At least the Black Cloud is far away and the sun is shining amidst the bluest skies I've known.

And I'm not forgetting to smile.

Which is alot more than I can say for this guy.

Blackballed - The Bobby Dukes Story has walked away with the prestigious Audience Award at SXSW. Hooray for little guys everywhere. Congratz to Brant and the rest of the crew that made this movie so awesome!!!

Here are some pix from Damian:

Blackballed screening

Q and A

"...funniest movie I've ever seen."

And the winner is...

Blackballed!!!!

"I'd like to thank Evil for making this movie."

Help support the Klan

Harvey Weinstein can kiss my arse

Great job guys. See you back in NY.

This just in. As per my conversation with the Black Cloud itself, I've just been informed that Brant Sersen's debut film, Blackballed - The Bobby Dukes Story has just won the viewer's choice award at the South by Southwest Film Festival.

A huge congratulations to Brant and everyone else who toiled night and day to make this movie the smash hit that it will be. Congratz dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I can say is WOW. This place is truly beautiful in a not from earth kind of way. I have never seen such geography, such neverending vistas, such a blue sky that it inspires memories of Carribean dreams. St. George is a unique place in that the topography is actually the one place on earth where three desert eco systems come together. Although I tried to listen to everything my guide told me today, I can't fully recall the names of the three deserts that converge here. In any event, the land, the people, the air here is without a doubt just awe inspiring.

I've got a few pix here ready to post. I will put up a full album upon my return to New York.

Free climbing about 60 feet up here

And what's aslo great is about St. George is that Vegas is just 2 hours away by car....

Fucking Damien lost his memory card. What a potato head. But then again, I know deep down in my heart that this is all that vile Black Cloud's fault. Go back to Boulder you freaking animal!

Director of Super Size Me along with viral black cloud.

While participating in drunken lewd behavior last night, someone slipped their grimey paws into my bag and stole the memory card out of my camera!!! damn you black cloud. damn you!

I'm chilling with Bryce from www.brycehunt.com right now in St. George, Utah. He is an amazing photograppher and I suggest everyone check out his great site.

Oh what a night down here in Austin, Texas at the sxsw film festival. The fun never stops. Movies, movies, bbq, alcohol, dirt, bbq, movies, alcohol....As for star sightings, this cat has only caught a glimpse of local pepper Ethan Hawke, 10-10-321 pitch man John Stamos, and of course his arm candy Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. To our dismay, Tara Reid is in the evil empire that once was the USSR filming a flick. John Stamos along with Annabeth Gish star in Knots,a twisted tale of failing relationships. Sounds pretty boring and in fact.....it was. Except for 1 amazing scene (with Paulina Porizkova,) the rest of the movie seems to have been written by a computer. The Blackballed premiere was a blast. Some 500 eager fans lined up an hour before to catch a glimpse of what in my opinion is the best movie BY FAR in this festival.

Lockhart Steele once wrote "travel creates narrative". It is with these such words that I now find myself poking away at the keyboard of a St. George, Utah computer lab. After a hectic day involving hiking, climbing, rappelling, bitching and tongue slapping, I'm about ready to enjoy a few cold ones and melt away into the comforts of my noiseless abode.

The weather is 80 degrees by day and a cool 45 degrees at night. With the varying weather, one finds a sense of infinite battle over who's in charge: the warming sun or the brisk night chill. It's a 12 hour state of flumux that is out of my grasp as a native New Yorker.

With the weather out of the way, here's some news from Damien regarding SXSW. Although he is able to post comments, he is unable to upload images. So I'll be checking my email a little more than anticipated.

Here are some of his pix from today:

I couldn't help myself. I must point out that Austin is now infected by the viral trash aka The Black Cloud.

Forgive me, for I am just a spawn from the evil one. I will do my best to open the inerds of the film festival and pull out all that is worthy of debauchary. Let me start off by saying that the flight from Newark to Austin was complete hell. Not a minute of smooth sailing. This can only mean that we were entering the domain of "the black cloud." Sure enough we landed in a heavy downpour. To escape the rain we made our way into the screening of SuperSizeMe Filmaker Morgan Spurlock embarked on a month long McDonalds only binge. All I can say to all you market enthusiast is to start building a short postion in McDonalds stock.

Posting will be erratic to nonexistent until next week by yours truly. Hopefully Damien can pick up some of my slack.

SXSW kicks off today in Austin, TX. KTB's very own Damien will be covering and reporting exclusively from the Lone Star State.

Chad will be getting his beak down and dirty in his pursuit of drunk celebs (Tara Reid will be there...), high celebs (did I mention Tara Reid will be there), horny celebs (... Tara Reid) and the occasional film here and there.

I'm personally waiting to hear early reviews of Blackballed - The Bobby Dukes Story. From what I've heard so far, this is the movie to watch for...

If you happen to be caught single in London, all you'll need is a Bluetooth enabled mobile phone or PDA and a busy location (something a la Bryant Park) and you're on your way to having anonymous sex with other degenerates such as yourself.

Turn on your Bluetooth and send messages to other Bluetooth (or is it Blueteeth) phones in the vicinity. Simply write "toothing". Toothing is the password and sex is the door that it opens. Here's what one Brit writes:

"toothing is relatively new, therefore it's safe to assume that degenerates like ourselves are looking out for it.

it's rare (i've only managed two since i heard about toothing a couple of months back) but when you do catch someone it's totally amazing - unlike anything i've done before. random, anonymous sex is in a world of its own. i think most people like the idea of it, but have been put off by various attitudes. toothing overcomes all these - if you start chatting it's obvious what you both want. and if you're comfortable with it - go for it.

i'll warn you, though, it's like a drug. i'm constantly searching for devices on my travels. but the eventual pay-off is well worth it."

Bertuzzi has been suspended for the rest of the season including the playoffs. Steve Moore, who remains hospitalized with a broken neck, is expected to make a full recovery.

In my opinion, Todd Bertuzzi, should be out of hockey for at least as long as it takes Steve Moore to fully recover if not double Moore's recovery time.

Just my two cents.

173 dead and counting in Madrid, Spain
A series of three bombs blasted through Madrid's train stations killing scores of people. Early reports blame Basque separatist group ETA for the terrorist attack. I for one have not ridden a New York City subway since September 11th, 2001. If it can happen in Madrid and Moscow, why can't it happen here? Knock on wood.....

Skype's free internet telephone service attracting a mass market -- FT
"The Financial Times reports that a free internet telephone service launched barely six months ago is already growing faster than internet e-mail did in its heyday. The headlong expansion of the service, called Skype, makes it the first consumer service to succeed in attracting a mass market for calling over the internet. The potential for uncontrolled growth of free internet voice services has brought dark warnings from established telecoms co's. Skype has caught on faster than Hotmail, the internet e-mail service that became one of the first big success stories in online communications, according to Steve Jurvetson, a Silicon Valley venture capitalist. The new internet voice service is adding 1.2 mln new users a month, compared with the 1 mln a month Hotmail added at its peak. Skype plans to offer voice calls free but charge for services such as video-conferencing. It was set up by the founders of Kazaa." [via Briefing]
My take - here's a company I'm awaiting to go public very soon.

In the NHL
Sentencing is expected today for Vancouver forward/criminal Todd Bertuzzi. Bertuzzi is guilty of hitting Colorado Avalanche forward Steve Moore from behind and in the process breaking Moore's neck. Bertuzzi apologized to Moore in the press yesterday and Moore, thankfully, is expected to make a full recovery.
The NY Post's Larry Brooks writes a good article regarding punishment of not only Bertuzzi, but also Vancouver's belligerent coach, Marc Crawford.

This is a serious IM that I got from one of Tabby's cohorts. This is one of the problems of giving your IM out to strangers when they ask. Read and weep.

weedsmoker: when can we meet so i can give it to you
weedsmoker: ?
weedsmoker: i envision a closed elementary school, we sneak in, i blind fold you, we go to the principals desk, i start to frisk you from behind. and WWOOOEE..i find something on you. i believe its a weapon. and you know school policy. no weapons allowed! so i reach for your weapon but it doesnt wanna budge! i think its a magnum 57 cause its really big. so i do a further examination
weedsmoker: i take your pants off because you've been a bad boy....i grab you from behind, lift you up in the air, your flat now on the desk, legs hanging, i'm holdin them up, then...then, you release
weedsmoker: i think you'll like my present
weedsmoker: i cant wait for saturday night, maybe i will be able to make your birthday party now. i just have to rearrange my schedule. what time is your party? the party in my pants starts at 10:00. everyones gonna have a ball there....then the party moves to my mouth and everyones CUMING!!!
weedsmoker: so i'm re

I blocked him/her at this point.

The evil empire aka Viacom strikes back today with ads in local newspapers chronicling their pending removal from Echostar/DISH satellite network. The real loser here is the consumer. I'm on Time Warner cable so I'm not affected by this but god damn would I be pissed if I couldn't watch my Road Rules - Real World Challenge.

Not content to just report the news, the New York Post is vying with Consumption Junction to see who can amass and display the most gruesome images available. Today's cover features a not so candid photo of NYU student Diana Chien as she plunges to her death from the roof of her boyfriend's building. Instead of reporting on the story with respect and candor for the deceased, the Post's attempt to glorify the death plunge is not all so subtle. More on her blood and guts on the inside.

Run for the suburbs quick. Today's Daily Candy profiles Brooklyn hipster rock band TV on the Radio Star. I have never heard of these guys nor have I ever seen them perform. But the mere fact that Daily Candy is now publicizing hipsters makes me cringe with fear. They're everywhere. Riding their ancient ten speed bikes, wearing their berets and worse - not curbing after their dogs. Banishment to the hipsters.

But this band's tunes do sound pretty good. I was able to download a few samples from their Tower Records site.

Only one show to watch tonight: The Shield. Season 3 commences tonight at 10pm. That's channel 58 for all you New Yorkers.

Ack, I got a gift for your scrawny gay ass. Now you can have all the NASCAR you can endure with this nifty remote. News, stats, race weather. The only thing it can't do for you is clean off your Uggs. [via Gizmodo]

Yes, I am a sci-fi geek and I've been trying to keep up with the latest news regarding the Hubble Telescope. Today it was announced that "Astronomers at the Space Telescope Science Institute today unveiled the deepest portrait of the visible universe ever achieved by humankind." More here.
[Thank you Brian]

The black cloud cummeth back and cummeth back soon it seems. Not content to own any worldy possessions, the cloud is selling off everything it owns and is packing it's bags to move to New York. God help us all.

But so is John Kerry. Glenn Reynolds, over at instapundit.com writes about some of the opposition that Bush is receiving regarding his 9/11 ad campaign. It turns out that the leading voice in the opposition is a little known group called the September 11th Families for Peaceful Tomorrows.

Not only are they opposed to Bush running the 9/11 ads, they even traveled to Afghanistan to oppose the U.S. bombing of the Taliban. Why did they do this you wonder? They argued that us bombing the Talis was equivalent to the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers. Smart people right? Well guess who is responsible for funding these sick fuckers? Teresa Heinz Kerry, aka Mrs. John Kerry, that's who. These are dangerous times friends. There is no way this prick Kerry belongs in the White House. As bad as Bush is, at least he is fighting "a" war on terror. A very war that Kerry himself does not believe in.

More from Glenn Reynolds and these disturbed people here.

Yes, I know this is old but I couldn't resist. Besides, many of my readers are mildly retarded (you know who you are) and don't like to read anything but KTB.

These pix are of hip hop darling Lil' Kim. Last week she was performing in New York City club Canal Room and she opted to go commando. The pictures tell the rest of the story.

Blackballed, The Bobby Dukes Story will be making it's theatre debut at the South by Southwest Film Festival. KTB will be lucky to have a reporter blogging live from the fest itself.

Our correspondent will be reporting on various celebs that will attend, who is hooking up with who, who is snorting what, and lastly the actual films that will be previewed there. I look forward to seeing what kind of trouble KTB can get into in the coming week.

The original purveyor of sin and debauchery is having some problems today. Consumption Junction, one of KTB's personal favorites is non-responsive today. When one attempts to browse their site, one is automatically forwarded to Winnie the Pooh's home page. God damn, I need my CJ and I need it now. You hacked the wrong website people.

Today's MUG article on beer and beer and beer has made me quite thirsty. If this black cloud dissipates over NYC, I think I may be up for poring over some of the fine establishments MUG has mentioned.

So what's the big deal? Some doc in Boston came to work while heavily under the influence of alcohol? We've all done that here and there and it's more or less accepted. Why is the poor doctor being scathed for knocking back a few?

If these administrators knew my friend, the urologist from uptown, they would go into cardiac arrest. My bud not only comes to work drunk, but packs his beak with whatever he finds in the ER's medicine chest. He's truly a fine, upstanding young doctor.

mongrel (9:24:07 AM): you are a filthy pig
mongrel (9:24:11 AM): just wanted you to know
me (9:24:16 AM): berger, i have a question -
me (9:24:24 AM): did ur parents have any children that lived?
mongrel (9:25:23 AM): yeah but they are all fucked up like me
mongrel (9:25:27 AM): i think i have fleas
mongrel (9:25:29 AM): i really do
me (9:26:26 AM): get a collar
mongrel (9:26:41 AM): i know a hartz collar

I really wish I was in Amsterdam right now.

America's favorite retard, William Hung, is in the news again. Hung has been signed to a record contract with his first album scheduled for release on April 6th. Justin, Nick, Britney, and Christina better look out. He's younger, fitter, better looking and hungry enough to just unseat these complacent songbirds from their respective perches.

On a sad note, the body that was pulled from the East River over the weekend has finally been confirmed to be that of famed writer-actor-orator Spalding Gray. AP reports that the body has been identified through dental records and x-rays.

Although I've seen "Swimming to Cambodia" only once several years ago, I do remember loving the spoken word film and really reflecting on this man's strong story telling abilities. My deepest condolences to the Gray family here in New York. Rest in peace Spalding.

It's raining outside but it might as well be pouring indoors as well. Not only has my greatest toy crashed today, but the folks over at Tekserve are telling me that I'll have to leave it with them for 7 to 10 days. That just sucks. In fact, being without my powerbook is going to render us pretty quiet and non indulgent for the next week.

This is pretty cool though:

I think I've finally found my next cell phone purchase here. Engadget has a bunch of info on it right here.

Buffet's war chest reached a staggering $36 billion in cash. I wonder what Tabby would do with that kind of loot? Would he live through his first day of debauchery? The odds would be against him.

I'm sitting outside today. Reading my book in the sunny weather. When along comes along a young black gentleman. Walking by me, he inquiries "Do you like rap?"

Being that I do, I reply "Yes".

I proceed to stand up because I was taught to stand when talking to people. But my upbringing is another post altogether.

The gentleman then hands me a copy of a CD. "It's my new album", he informs me.

"Cool dude, thanks" I reply and I inform him that I'll listen to it and maybe even write about it on my massively subscribed website.

After an information exchange regarding said massively subscribed website, the gentleman asks for a donation. And now I'm caught off guard. The gentleman gives me his CD so I can listen to it and possibly even promote it. So why beg for a donation? Seems counter productive doesn't it. But I may be callous and wrong and I'll hold off on judging this poor soul's CD without first listening to it.

In any event, I informed the gent that I'm broke as a joke, yet I still managed to find a lost dollar in my pocket. The dollar was just searching for a new home and it found one in the rapper's palm. Still, one has to wonder if this is the path one must tread to be the next 50 Cent?

From today's NY Times cover story:

"She raged, she wept and she broke up with him. He apologized, he cried and she took him back. Then she suggested they cut school and have sex — "to keep him," she explained tearfully.

It could have been one of the oldest stories in the book, except for the real-life ending: Alberto said no."

In other news, Gizmodo details the latest in bicycling technology.

People, please take note. I now know what I want for my next birthday...

"The world's leading expert on the impact of personal stereos on society is desperately seeking "poddies" for the first academic research into the rise of the iPod."

Article here.
Or write M.Bull@sussex.ac.uk for a copy of the questionnaire.

Citarella is pronounced chi-ta-rella. Didn't know that. All this time I've been pronouncing it sit-a-rella. Speaking of citarella (and i'm referring to the one on 6th ave and 9th st.), I stocked up on large shrimp, crawfish, swordfish, chicken livers, fresh sardines and anchovies yesterday. Last nite's meal was a feast second to none. But then my oven blew up. Yaaaaaaay.

Today's job: get a new oven. Then get drunk. It's been a rough weekend. Tabby, if you're reading this, come by today. Bring dirt. Let's get drunk.

The Village Voice reports that blogging is bad. Very bad. Especially if you don't blog.

Not content with her overexposure during the Super Bowl, Janet displays all of her assets in this fine German publication. [via The Corsair]

A reader writes in:

dear tabby.
i also have a problem. when i go snowing..(u know what i mean)...i cant stop....but thats not the problem. the problem is that i cant get a boner when i ride the white train. my girl gets disappointed. i was thinking of trying viagra. what do u think of that?

what are you a fagot? your girlfriend's a pig. i fuck hot bitches yo so i dont have problem like that. dont even try it relax and it will come. viagra and coke equal heart attack.

What will we be having for dessert this weekend? Ice cream? Sundaes? Milk shakes? The choices are seemingly endless.

It's hard to post any sensible items when your brain is crawling at a snail's pace. Thursday night turned into a booze filled bar crawl and I'm paying the piper today. I will try to get around to putting some funny shit up a little later. In the meantime, go and call Vincent Gallo - 323 - 878 - 0100. He's selling his video equipment on ebay. [via Gawker]

We all thought we were in the clear. Dawn had come and the Black Cloud found itself replaced with a beautiful vanilla sky. The Black Cloud went westward. Back home to the demon hole from which it sprang, the cloud drifted. How sorry we were to assume that the cloud's influenza strikes only those who are near. The cloud knows no limits. Be it geographic or demographic, any contact with the all encompassing Darkness will lead to loss and much suffering.

Case in point:

shmersen: was so happy earlier, eating lunch, on the phone, reading SI swimsuit, watching P&L at +3800....start talking to black cloud on IM around 12:30...oh no P&L starts coming in..no big deal...will go back up right? stop talking to bulger nothing happens to P&L still going down, have i been cursed??? now not 1 winning trade since... P&L -1400

I rest my case. The Black Cloud must be extinguished and vanquished. Somebody please kill him. You know I love you still Mr. Cloud.

I really have nothing to say. Amazing dog. So much smarter, cleaner and better looking than Berger.

A sample of my IM with the disgusting beast today:

me: i gotta take dog to vet today
mongrel: what's wrong?
mongrel: your cock too big ?

It's been confirmed. Brian Leetch is gone. His 16 year tenure with the New York Rangers ended last nite when Leetch was traded away for young talent and draft picks to the Toronto Maple Leafs.

I have been a Rangers fan for a long time and speaking on behalf of Ranger fans everywhere, I just want to express my gratitude and heart felt thanks to a man who showed himself to be more than just your a-typical athlete. Brian Leetch was a true professional on and off the ice. He single handedly supported the Rangers during their 1994 Stanley Cup run. I'll never forget one goal he scored in the Eastern Conference finals against the Devils. Leetchy skated down the left wing with the puck in tow. Going one on one with a Devils defensemen whose name I don't recall, Leetchy came to a sudden stop near the Devils goal, spun around and put the puck between Martin Brodeur's pads to score a goal. It was a momentous and uplifting goal that more or less secured the Rangers chances of eventually winning the Cup.

Brian Leetch in my book will be a Ranger for life and I wish him the best in his new home in Toronto. I hope everything works out for him, his family and may he even go on to win another Cup. Good luck and thank you Brian!!!

New York Rangers - the most pathetic club in franchise sports - traded away their heart and soul Brian Leetch tonight. Leetch will be donning a Toronto Maple Leaf jersey hereafter and the Rangers have gotten two young players in return. More on this breaking story as details develop.

Just a note though: Why trade away the one player that all the fans in MSG actually root for? I am so sick and tired of Rangers management. All the way from the leach Glen Sather to the top (Jim Dolan), this has to be the most run into the ground sports club in the history of sports. It's sad. Fucking sad. And mark my words. Sather is going to dismantle the team now. Not that things can get any worse - they can't. But he's going to garage sell all the players away and at the end of the season, he'll either quit or be fired. His legacy will be the complete destruction and dismantlement of a NY sports club. Thanks alot Glen.

Well, well, well. It turns out that there's a KTB reader out there crying for help. A certain Coked and Confused writes:

Dear Tabby,
Lately I'm having second thoughts about my coke dealer. I feel like he's cutting up the dirt too much behind my back. When we first met everything was the way I had always pictured it...trust, honesty, and a numb face without a bloody nose. Lately, hwever, he's been showing up late or sometimes not at all and he doesn't even call with an explanation. When he does show up he brings me bad supplies. Last time I snorted his goodies I felt like I drank 75 Red Bulls but did not have that euphoric coked-out-of-my-mind feeling. I feel like we're just drifing further and further apart. The love is no longer there. What's your advice?
Sincerely,
Coked and Confused

Tabby's response:

Yo C and C, stop being a fagot. Coke is like pizza and I never had no bad pizza. Shit papa. send your dealer to me. i will fix the dirt up. i love yayo and you should too. I am the KING of YAYO. by the way, evil is a liar, i never exposed myself up on stage at the titty bar. and i dont have tits. but back to you problem. your dealer sounds like a bitch. is his name mr. poo? there's more than 1 fish in the see my friend. i can give you good people in washinton hieghts. give me a call papa and we'll kill some birds.

As you can see, Tabby is like the Dow Jones news service in that he doesn't believe in spellcheck either. Reader, I hope Tabby was able to help you move along from your current conundrum. Best of luck to you in the future.

Uhhhh, correct me if I'm wrong, but does the new editor for Gizmodo bear a striking resemblance to Jack of the band White Stripes?

Got an issue and you need to talk? Are you seeking sage counsel on a personal matter? Looking for a good dirt supplier? Or are you just looking for some good old fashioned relationship advice? Well look no further.

Announcing a new addition to KTB: Dear Tabby. That's right folks, good ol' Tabby is going to be taking your letters and provide you with the guidance and wherewithal that your parents never bestowed upon you.

So without any further ado, please send any and all email to evil (at) killthebird dot com and I will forward them to Tabby.

Graznayi troosiki like Tabby

More graznayi troosiki a la Tabby

Yet more graznayi troosiki this time JUST LIKE Tabby

Nap time

Tuesday oh Tuesday, how glorious art thou dear Tuesday. What a beautiful day it was. Despite the nasty bums, carousing through USQ is always an interesting event. The variety of people is so unique and I'm a voyeur if there's ever been one.

I like to think of Union Square as the heart of downtown Manhattan. It's centrally located between the East and West Villages. There's plenty of great shopping. Whether you're out for CD's (Virgin), books (the Strand, Barnes & Noble, Virgin), comics and video games (Forbidden Planet) or vintage clothing (Cheap Jacks), everything is within walking distance of here.

And we've got a Whole Foods coming too... The rest of the pix from Tuesday's adventure are here.

What's with the black cloud? I can see myself owning one of these some day (LOfuckingL) but I'm starting to wonder... why put an ominous black cloud on the horizon behind this bullet of a car?

Is the article trying to say that the car can outrun any and all black clouds OR is the article pointing out that no matter how much dough you spend on a car, the merciless and ever hovering black cloud is always near? I think it's the latter.

Peter Rojas, former editor of Gizmodo, has gone out on his own and started engadget.com. He'll continue his gadget blogging over at his new site. Best of luck to you Pete!

Lobby shot

Top of NYC

East Side

Pipka

Bryant Park

Fodder for tourists

On Monday, Chad and I snuck out of work during lunch and finally went to the top of the Empire State Building. We've been meaning to get up there for a while now but whenever opportunity presented itself, something usually came up. But on Monday, the weather was fine (albeit a little hazy), our golden window was reopened yet again. We seized upon our fortune and took the long elevator ride (all of 55 seconds) to the highest point in New York City.

The view from up there is literally awe-inspiring. I think the last time I stood at the top of the ESB may have been when I was an elementary school student in Queens. For those that don't know my age, that is a quite many eons ago. And it's a shame really. Considering that we work a mere three blocks from the ESB, it's kind of sad that we're too lazy to make this trip more often.

The rest of the images are here.

Religious female seeks "idol" to worshop.
Little clits need not apply.
The weather doesn't call for any snow today. This guy says it's gonna snow though. Is this someone we know...?
A Cock is a terrible thing to waste.
CL is a funny place. You can browse around for hours and collect enough material to write your own short novel.

What happened over at NY Mag? Can someone please tell me where NY Mag's media blog known as The Kicker has disappeared to? Please say it ain't so Joe. I read Lizzie Spier's scathing yet accurate media gossip like a junky snorts Red Dragon. Lizzie come back, please!!!!

2:08PM Update: Techie difficulties over at The Kicker. Hell hath not frozeth over.

This just in on the Tabby newswire:

Tabby was last seen Saturday night dancing on the stage, writhing his spoiled body around a pole while strippers looked on in anguish at Lace Strip Bar. Tabby was rumoured to have exposed his breasts to shocked patrons before being escorted off the stage by a gangly group of bouncers.

Tabby next assaulted a female patron at Lace before being confronted by the group of three "gentlemen" who escorted her there. Before the 3 gents were able to take Tabby outside and beat him to a bloody pulp, Tabby's two amigos intervened. The good friends explained how Tabby was just released from the local psychiatric center and due to his mild retardation, his behavior was terrets-like at best.

At 3 AM, it began blizzarding and Tabby has NOT been heard from since. It is now Monday morning and no one can locate little Tabby. If anyone has seen or heard from our mild retard, please send email. I am very worried over here.

I didn't get a chance to watch the Oscars last night. Really not for any other reason besides that they're sheer crap. And I don't particularly like crap. Even with nothing better to watch on TV, I simply could not glue my mug to watch this spectacle. I just can't see how sticking a bunch of overpaid, elitist and highly exclusionary people, all of whom know how to right the world's wrongs, in one room makes for good TV. But hey, that's just my humble opinion.

I did happen to catch a few minutes of E's coverage of the red carpet though. Here is what I saw: Aliens. Living, breathing aliens that exist and live amongst us.

Who am I referring to? Leon Hall and Joan Rivers. These two wildebeasts look like no humans I've ever seen anywhere!

Readers, these are not homo sapiens that were portrayed interviewing celebrities on TV. These were aliens from another time and place. They don't hail from earth. Look for instance at Leon Hall's punnum. His eyebrows are so perfectly arched and his skin is so icily smooth that I am just shocked that he's not being probed somewhere in Area 51. How could a human being look like this? How much indignation can a man suffer to allow himself to look like Leon? The answer is none because this is not a man. This is a life form from a galaxy far, far away.

And Joan, what the fuck happened to your face? You look like Skeletor minus 150 pounds. I can almost see the hollow of your skull through your tried and lifted skin. What happened to your nose? I'm sure it must have been on your face at one point. Because all I saw was a little flesh covered bone (akin to a rabbit foot) glued smack dab in the middle of your face. It's scary. Little kids ought not be watching the Oscars. All this talk of Janet Jackson and her Superbowl performance and how it frightened little children. Well Janet's got nothing on these two monsters who wouldn't shut the fuck up last nite.

If anyone over at E! Network happens to read this, please, good people, I emplore you to either cover the aliens mugs with paper bags or just shoot these sentient beings. They may well heed important scientific information for the human race yet.