KTB

Ready to leave

Their CEO only makes $6M per year

LI Sound and McCord

Although my feelings on Long Island tend to sway towards sheer terror, I must confess that Huntington Bay, on the LI Sound, is quite a beautiful place. There aren't any strip malls nor is the area saturated with 7-Elevens. In fact, there's a plethora of antique stores, mom and pop restuarants and fishing supply stores along the main thoroughfare. I was very enchanted by the simple and undisturbed existence that his cove has to offer.

Visiting my friend's home was a nice, get out of the city experience. He lives right on the beach and the view from his kitchen alone is just breathtaking. The peace and serenity that the ocean brings forth is second to nothing I can imagine. It sure was nice to be away from Tabby.

The rest of the Huntington Bay pix are right here.

I can't believe it. It's finally confirmed. No more wondering who killed J.C? No more conjuring who perpetrayed this heinous crime? The evil-doers have finally been smoked out. All those lonely nights spent wandering around my pew of a home, speculating, contemplating, playing detective in the darkest recesses of my mind.... Thank you Pentecostals for finding the bad bad people. [via Lowculture]

Photobloggers unite at Apple store

Jesus lives, Jesus lives. Hallelujah

Fanelli's

Don Giovanni aka Satan the Jew tries to maim Jesus

Union Square

Union Square

Union Square

Union Square

Virgin corner

Thursday evening found us at the NYC Photobloggers Exhibit at the Apple Store in SOHO. It was interesting hearing what other "pros" in the photoblog community are doing, what they shoot, how they shoot, etc. I had a great time and look forward to the next such occasion.

We wandered over to Fanelli's next and had what is likely one of the best burgers in town. I'm sorry Corner Bistro but you've got stiff competition from the Fanelli's kicthen. I had the bison burger with cheddar cheese. It may have been the best burger I've ever had. No kidding.

Then we mosied on over to the swank dinner lounge One on Little W12th Street. Satan was there and he tried to kill Jesus as depicted in one of the photos. By the way, Satan is Jewish too. No wonder.... Seriously though, Satan was portrayed by Don Giovanni who's still in town. Don G got a little dirty last nite. I hope you could find the dirt....

And then it was time to walk the dog. There's nothing like wandering thru Union Sq. Park after having drank multiple high balls of Chivas.

The rest of the pix are all here.

One has to feel bad for Mike Tyson here. Broke, unemployed, and seemingly always in court, Mike has slipped from his perch as one of the greatest fighters of all time to one of the biggest losers. I know I can be a cold and uncompassionate person, but I feel for Mike. He's been fucked over by countless vermin, victimized by the very people who were supposed to be protecting him. I wish Mike the best. It seems he's got his very own black cloud hovering over him....

Fuck Ugg boots. Fuck them. They are ugggly, nasty, and belong in LA. You can see I'm not a big fan of theirs.

Assuming that this Ugg trend is dying down and soon to go extinct, I've been shorting the company that imports and markets Ugg boots in the States: DECK (Deckers Outdoor Corporation).

For those that don't know what being short means, it simply is that I'm betting on the stock to go down. I'm speculating that this soon-to-be short lived trend is expiring and I'm hoping that Decker's stock price will go down as a result.

Soooo, to make a short story even shorter, I've been shorting this stock for a few days here when lo and behold, a motherfucking black cloud sweeps in and ruins my day, my week, my month.

I was barely in the money when this nasty trash can of a human being, aka Black Cloud, goes and sells short the same stock as me without informing me. We've all seen the movie Bronx Tale. Well it's the same thing as when "C" and the crew are at the track and they've placed their bets. They're watching the horses, looking to see how they place when out of nowhere they notice the bad luck curmudgeon himself, Mush, rooting for the same horse as them. Without even waiting for the race to finish, C and pals, shred their bet tickets and leave. They were Mushed. They knew as soon as they saw their very own black cloud that any chance they had of winning their bets was terminal.

Well, the same thing happened here expect I didn't see the Mush. I had no way of knowing that I was being mushed and no matter what happened (Decker's warehouses could have all burned to the ground), there WAS NO CHANCE IN HELL that this stock was going down.

Thank you Mr. Black fucking Cloud. Thank you for beseeching we with your vile and corrupt being. I'm all out of the stock and a little broker for it all.

Yes I'm a fan of Dan Brown. Recently, I completed Da Vinci Code and have just started Angels and Demons. I checked out his website to find bizarre factoids regarding his subject matter.
Among the facts are:

Select Special Ops soldiers that answer to no one and are literally licensed to kill.
The United States now has an aircraft that can travel at Mach 15 (over 10,000 mph.)
Why there's a pyramid and floating eyeball on the $1 dollar bills?

Go and read this. Maybe you will learn a thing or two. It applies to simple folk leaving anonymous comments on others websites. Know what I mean?

"New York City is the center of the latest revolution in personal websites:photoblogs. These websites combine the daily posting of weblogs with high-quality digital photography for a unique mix of documentary and art." [via upcoming.org]

This evening at 6PM at the Apple Store in SOHO, there will be an exhibit featuring some of NYC's top photobloggers. I'll be checking it out with my handy Canon s50. Then we booze. We booze heavy tonight.

Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis, who had the second-highest rushing total in NFL history last season, was indicted Wednesday on federal drug charges. He is charged with conspiring to possess with intent to distribute 5 kilos of cocaine. Yummmy.

According to a CNN poll, one kilo of coke costs a drug dealer $16,000 - $25,000. Assuming that his profit margin is 50% (I would need to verify this with Timmy), J. Lewis stood to make roughly $50,000 on the transaction. Oh yeah, one more thing: the fucking idiot signed a six-year, $35.3 million contract with the Ravens that July -- during the same period addressed in Wednesday's indictment.

So let's do the math here:

6 year contract worth $5.9 million per year (discounting any yard/TD incentives)
OR
$50,000 for a few phone calls, pick up, delivery, etc.....

In other cocaine related news:

Feds bust 2 alleged drug gangs in that other borough
Drug counselor says "I've had enough!" and parties it up in a posh hotel
US teens are taking less ecstasy but coke is still a church favorite

The New York Post reports on $300 per person meals at Masa while the Times covers the Mandarin Hotel's scenic views at Asiate.

The Passion of Christ opens in theatres all across the country today. The hype is incredible with most newspapers providing front page coverage to this event. Who cares? There's so much publicity about this movie that I'd rather just watch it on cable already.

And seriously folks, enough lamenting about how this movie breeds anti-semitism. If you want to be anti-semitic, I don't think you need this movie to sway your opinion. For instance, you don't need to see this movie to realize that everytime you go grocery shopping, you're paying the Kosher tax on 90+% of items in the supermarket. Who the hell needs Kosher potato chips? Or Kosher soy milk? I don't. In fact, most Americans don't. But we're all forced to pay the Kosher tax.

What is this Kosher tax you're probably wondering? Basically, it's a certification by different rabbinical groups indicating that a certain food product adheres to Kosher preparation standards. I think this is fine if you keep a Kosher home and you want Kosher food. But most Americans, myself included don't keep a Kosher home. I couldn't give a rats ass if my pretzels were kosher or not. And of course, this certification isn't free. No, no, no. These rabbinical groups take in (according to a Wall St. Journal report) $100's of millions of dollars per year to lend their "good" names to these food items.

Upon inspecting a dozen random food items in my fridge and pantry, I discovered that all but one of them had the dreaded "K" or the circled "U" on them. The only non-Kosher item in my pantry was salsa that I bought online from a producer in Tennessee. Every other random item I inspected had this certification. This is a joke on the American public perpetrated by a few greedy Rabbis. And while they're extorting millions of dollars a year, getting rich at the cost of the average Joe, they are at the same time breeding a whole new governance of anti-semitism. Shit like this only pisses people off. Why does a Christian need to pay the Kosher tax? Why does a Hindu need to pay the Kosher Tax? Why does a regular non observant Jew need to pay the Kosher Tax? They don't. I don't. Chances are, you don't. So please, enough with the shit that Mel Gibson's movie will fuel anti-semitism. These rabbis are doing a great job themselves. You only need to be hungry and go supermarket shopping to realize that you're paying extra for almost every single item you purchase.

On a mellower note, I'd like to see somebody make a movie entitled "The Passion of Tabby", or "The Passion of Poo". But since both those guys are alive and kicking, I guess we'll just have to wait...

There's a new section on KTB. Look on the right. See the section labeled My Children? I'll be putting all new and eventually old photos there. It's a work in progress so keep checking back...

Unless you live on Mars or in Queens, you need not go here. While supplies last, here is the full length feature film starring Paris and Rick.

Given the opportunity to do some true investigative reporting, nerve.com's Grant Stoddard scintillates his readers with this up close and personal expose of what it's like to bang a real life doll. [via lowculture]

Here to testify on behalf of Rolfees everywhere is none other than Sweet Pera himself. Last evening, Sweet Pera was rolfee to Beamer's rolfer (name of actual Rolfer has been changed to protect the guilty).

Me: Tell me Mr. Pera, why did you decide to get rolfed?
Pera: My shoulder hurt and Beamer was around. He said he would Rolf me for a free meal and a night's stay in my apartment.

Me: Did he have to do the dishes after he ate?
Pera: No, my roommate takes care of that.

Me: Ok then, so tell us about the actual rolfing.
Pera: Well, at first it was a little awkward to let a grown man put his hands all over me (and I do mean all over). But once he began rubbing me, I relaxed and let go of all my inhibitions. Beamer started with my back and shoulders. He used a nice oily lube that at first smelled amourous -imagine lillies on a spring day- but as he worked the lube in harder and harder, all sense of smell became intertwined with the overwhelming emotional sensation I was feeling.

Me: Where was this sensation coming from?
Pera: Like they say in Australia, "It all comes from down under," but I don't know. I felt a pulsing effect that I never felt before.

Me: Pulsing as in, an overall point of intensity of emotional excitement or pulsing as in excitement, characterized by strong feelings of pleasure and a series of involuntary contractions of the muscles?
Pera: Hmmm, that's a tough question. I would have to say a little of both. Let me digress and say that I haven't felt such deep pleasure ever. My sins were purged, my muscles were taut, my limbs were mercurial and GOD almighty I released. I don't know how it happened, but by the grace of Beamer and the wisdom of Ida Rolf, I released all over Beamer. Amen my brother!!

Me: Wow! Well that sure sounds like one hell of a massage. Where do I sign up?
Pera: That's no problem because Beamer is gonna be in the tri-state area for a while now. The warrant for his arrest doesn't extend beyond Colorado's border.

Me: Great. Beamer can expect a call from me real soon.

And I mean outside....

For those who have been reading KTB for a while, you must thoroughly be familiar yet completely disgusted by the being from South Florida also known as the Animal.

News has surfaced today about the Animal's Chinese relative who is seeking a Guinness world record. You be the judge for yourself. Are they or aren't they related?

"The objective is to capture terrorists for interrogation, or if necessary, to kill them, not simply to arrest them in [a] law enforcement exercise. "

More excerpts from "Rumsfeld's War" can be had right here.

Chicago Mike offers and starts what's sure to be a classic online "my slice is better than your's" pizza battle at chowhound.

Supposed secret Pentagon reports obtained by the reliable Brit tabloid the Observer warn of nuclear conflict, mega-droughts, famine and widespread rioting. All by 2020 to boot.

Alot of folks think I'm a little crazy for being as armed as I am but stories like this just fuel my conviction. Yes, I'm crazy, but I sleep damn well at night...

I'm assuming that 90+% of blogs in the blogosphere will today be blogging about the Sex and the City finale that aired last nite.

Not here. Instead, I'd like to point out the Dave Chappelle Show repeat featuring Ludacris that was on at 10:30 pm on Comedy Central. Let me go ahead and be bold here and say that this was one of the funniest thirty minutes of television that I have ever witnessed. EVER. I know I'm late in reviewing it but what can I say? I missed the original airing on Wednesday night.

The show's centerpiece featured Charlie Murphy (brother of comedian Eddie Murphy) recounting his very own "True Hollywood" story a la E Network. The focus of his Hollywood story was Charlie's misadventures with Super Freak Rick James. Rick and Charlie were pseudo pals and shared some fun times out and about in New York and L.A.

One of Charlie's tales involved Charlie meeting up with Rick in New York's famous China Club. Rick chronically abused Charlie for no apparent reason except that he was Rick James and Charlie wasn't. When Charlie arrived at the club, Rick was in full party mode. He was standing behind the bar, dishing out drinks to any female in his vicinity.

"Show me your tits bitch, I'm Rick James..." Rick had a way with the ladies.

Charlie went up to the bar to greet his buddy Rick. Rick greeted him back.

"Darkness. Darkness has swept in." Rick lovingly announced when he saw Charlie approach.

Rick referred to Charlie and Eddie as the Darkness brothers because they were a dark chocolate skinned color.

"Sup Rick." Charlie offered.
"Charlie, come here, I got a joke for you."

Charlie leaned in close to hear the joke over the music. They were face to face, eye to eye. Only the bar separated them.

"What's did the five fingers say to the face?" Rick queried.
Shrugging his shoulders, Charlie had no answer. "What?" he asked.

"Slapppp!!!" Rick followed thru and smacked Charlie upside the head. Charlie was shocked. The look on the face of this poor shlep was priceless.

I can't remember the last time a tv moment brought me to tears, but let me not kid you and say, I was fucking crying. In bed, watching this show before I fell asleep, I had tears rolling down my cheeks because I was cackling so hard. This is MUST SEE TV. I need to get a Tivo so I can start taping and saving these classic comedies.

I highly suggest that everyone catch this repeat when it plays on Comedy Central again. Look out for the Chappelle show with Ludacris. You will thank me later.

Forty degrees out and I decided to walk to Tekserve. I needed to get a new hard drive and what better place for Macs?

It was a great day to walk around NYC. Forty degrees is still cold enough to keep large throngs of tourists and bums away. More pix from my walk are right here.

We've had an errant hard drive failure here. Our plan for Sunday is to replace our old HD (born in 1998) with a new one. KTB is working sporadically now. I've been able to backup and salvage everything that at one point seemed pretty lost yesterday. Hopefully we'll have KTB back up and running at 100% later today.

My friend Don Giovanni is visiting NY for the first time. He hails from Firenze, Italia. He's never been to a Barnes & Noble nor had a hot chocolate. So, we took him to City Bakery and the Barnes & Noble in Union Square. He was confused at first but once he saw a sausage, he felt at home.

Upon seeing the sausage vendor's cart on the corner of Broadway and 13th Street, he exclaimed that he likes putting the sausage in the ricotta of any female in Firenze.

We are experiencing server difficulties. KTB will be debauching again very soon.

Photo Contest

Let's see. Can anyone guess where this was taken? Winner gets beers at McSorley's from me and Tabby next time we're there. Just please, no puking on Tabby.

Babies having babies

The crew at lowculture proves again that fiction is much funnier than fact. I'm cracking up here.

Shame on You

Shame on you NY Post for not providing any coverage on what was obviously one of the BEST Ranger Islander games of the past decade!

Shame on you for putting a pic of Gary Sheffield (see above) and running a story of his rumoured steroid abuse.

Shame on you for putting in SIX pages of NY Yankees coverage before any mention of last night's Ranger game. I love the Yankees and all but we're not even into spring training yet and you're already devoting 80% of your sports section to them.

Shame on you for putting in FOUR pages of NBA coverage before any mention of the fisticuffs from last night's Ranger game. Was it so important to inform your readership that "Garnett clips Kings" and "Bad news for Artest"? I don't give a fuck about either of those guys. Show me the violence that brought the Garden crowd roaring to their feet for an entire third period.

Shame on you for reporting a page worth of yet more baseball tidbits, a page worth of Byron Scott's breaking silence, and a page worth of NCAA roundup before FINALLY, and I mean FINALLY, breaking any mention of last night's Ranger's slaughter of the Isles.

Your sports section has a baseball infected virus. Don't get me wrong. I love the Yanks and I route for the Yanks. But we're in the midst of the NHL playoff hunt here. Granted the Rangers are looking like utter dogshit and any chance of them making the playoffs is dim. But if they played other teams the way they played the Isles last night, we would have a Stanley Cup contender in town.

You devoted just one game summary by Larry Brooks and another peak at the Isles by Evan Grossman with hardly any mention of the heated and passionate game played last night. Where was the back page story of 43 year old Mark Messier getting into a FIGHT with first the Isles goalie Rick DiPietro and then with Jason Blake? Where was the back page mention of the ensuing fisticuffs in the locker room corridor between Eric Cairns and Martin Rucinsky? There was nothing. Not one tiny morsel of anything indicating the eruption that took place in the Garden last night.

Your sports section is a fucking disgrace to this town and a disgrace to hockey. Fuck you Mr. NY Post Sports Editor. Stop sucking Steinbrenner's cock so soon in the year. You have several months left yet to pucker up. Please get your crummy lips off his balls for now you puke!

Beer Pix

I spent happy hour drinking Pilsener Urquells on my couch and watching the Rangers - Islanders game. No I don't watch The Apprentice. That show is for pussies plus I get too upset when the man with the beautiful hair fires someone. He always does.

Then I hobbled around my neighborhood like the drunk bum I can be. The only difference being that there aren't many bums sporting a Canon Powershot s50 out there. The first pic was actually taken earlier in the day. The last two were taken around the NYU Bobst Library.

Creepy Crawly

Sayonara TASR. It may be too soon to celebrate but ridiculous-stock-of-2004, aka TASR, has begun it's steep decline towards what I'm hoping is a rational market cap. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way down. In today's session, it's down 4.32 so far (roughly 8%). I'm hoping this stock sees the 40's real soon. And the best thing about it..... It's all happening under the radar.

Other events taking place under the radar include the Animal's impending marriage, Tabby's impending stint in rehab and Mr. Poo's impending penile explosion due to overpumping...

graznayee troosekee

I challenge anyone to translate the above two words!

Who's Number is it Really?

The NY Times reports today on the ebay auction of 212-867-5309. Apparently, the auction was pulled off of ebay because of a discrepancy over who actually owns the seven digits (212 not included). NY law student John who is attempting to sell the number says "I bought a piece of land and there was oil in it." What do I say? More power to you John. I hope you make $1M on this fucker. It's high time for hookers and gin Johhny. Treats are on you.

untitled - taken around 4:45pm

Pump me up Scotty

Dear Mr. Poo,

Next time you assume that I'm interested in seeing pictures of you and your friends fornicating, please think again. Kindly remove me from your tube-obsessed mailer and for the love of all humanity, stop with the "pumping".

I'm digging real deep here... Here's an old pic of Chamonix taken from atop Les Grands Montets. More nostalgic images from Cham right here.

Market Boredom

You know there's not much going when all I can come up with is market related news. So without any further ado, here is what we have at this time:

dow is down 24.17 on relatively light volume - I'm bored
comp is down 5.34 on hardly any volume - I'm very bored

NTES- up 7.80 and been going up all day long. I'm short. You got that right jerky from an average price of 48.96 and I'm very very bored now.
TASR- this piece of shit is getting tasered today. It's down on low volume which many experts would deem a buying opportunity. NOT ME! This is exactly what I've been hoping for. This stock is going down and it's going down under the radar. Mark my words....
BIIB- up 6.73 on HUGE volume today. It's off about $1.00 from it's highs right now. I made some cash shorting it earlier.
RMBS - another huge gainer today on exceedingly above average volume. Different stock, same trade for me. I shorted. I covered. I'm calling it a day.

Come Fly With Me

Fly Boy Sersen proves once again that given the opportunity, he will run, swim, or fly to get out of his engagement.... Just kidding, just kidding.

Video One
Video Two

The Mongrel Returns

Feeling bored and up for some animal companionship, I IMed the mongrel this evening without noticing that he was "Away". This is what his away message had to say:

me:yo
mongrel: fuck you. fuck everyone. fuck the world. don't call me, i'll call you, you asshole

Speaking of mongrels, this monkey's ass sewed his eyes and mouth shut in protest of being forcibly expelled from the Netherlands. It turns out that the Dutch are tired of pandering to 26,000 asylum seekers and are going about expelling them within the next three years. Can you imagine if this happened here in New York? Who would deliver my pizza? Who would mow my parent's lawn? [via Drudge]

Serenity Now

View from my office taken during sunrise a few days ago....

Tabby the Cat???

I've always said that Tabby was a catty character but this is just too much.

Dirty, dirty panties

This tidbit taken directly from Gawker:

"You are buying miss Christina Aguilera`s thong and pool water from photo shoot with maxim uk. this item has been leagaly obtained from Scott mills of BBC radio one uk" ---- all available excusively on ebay. Current bid as of this time is £285.00 Brit Pounds.

150 Years Old and Still Serving It Up

Famed Village bar and former speakeasy McSorley's Ale House, turns 150 years old today. To me, it's just another excuse to drink black and tans on a Tuesday.

One of my fondest McSorley's memories involves none other than Tabby. We were both recent college grads and we had just started gainful employment in our respective careers. Going to McSorley's for a few drinks after work was a ritual we observed religiously. It also helped alleviate the dredge of the evening commute back to Rockland. So this one time, I'm there with Tabby drinking our beers when in comes a group of already drunk office workers. They were a rowdy bunch. Standing behind us to order their drinks, I understood that one of them was alot drunker than the rest of his group. Not only that, but this drunkard was also the biggest guy among them. He was standing directly behind Tab.

Needless to say, they kept drinking. Tab and I kept drinking. And out of nowhere, the big guy puked. To say he missed the floor is an understatement within all understatements. His vomit was a smart bomb. And Tabby was the bunker it busted. Tabby was covered in wretched yak head to toe. His suit was a mess. I laughed hard. Tabby cried. What could he do? Fighting was not an option. And the big guy and all his friends apologized profusely to the both of us. They proceeded to buy us shots and drinks till the evening became a blur. Tabby cleaned himself up and continued drinking.

Several hours later, while driving home, I couldn't help myself. The stench was awful and Tab was pissed. I giggled like a little girl the entire ride home.

As originally reported by Gothamist, the phone number 867-5309 made famous by hip band Tommy Tutone is up for sale on EBAY. As of Tuesday morning, bidding has reached a whopping $90,100.00. I wonder if the band gets any royalties off of this proposed sale. I wonder if anyone is actually serious about spending that kind of dough on this phone number. I wonder if the Animal has gotten a prank call yet....

I just took the AOL Presidential Match Guide quiz. It is a questionnaire based on current issues. You are asked to rate how important certain issues are to you and based upon your answers, the exam will reveal the top presidential candidates with respect to your answers.

Well, it's no wonder that Bush came in first for me. In fact, he scored an overwhelming 100% in terms of matched criteria. John Edwards came in 2nd with a 69% match. Al Sharpton got 39%.

I'm curious to see how others score on this. Brokenwing, if you're reading this, let me know what you come up with.

The Traders Expo kicked off today in the Marriot Marquis Hotel in Times Square. I was there. I represented for my boys. What a kick ass time. Low lights include the following:

1. Sedek was attacked by a mongrel who thought our charting software SUCKED.

2. I was dismally befuddled by a lady of about 55 years old who was convinced I was selling her something. She was quite upset that she couldn't trade options on our software but she insisted over and over that she wasn't inclined to move her equities from her broker to us. OK!!! This is what I wish I could have told her:

"Maam, please leave me alone. Or talk to somebody who cares about your options trading. I don't trade them and I don't care to. In fact, you should just thank me for steering you away from trading altogether. Your life savings is probably important to you and you would be better served by not gambling it away on a TASR position."

Pictures from the show are right here.

New York Police Planning for Catastrophic Terrorist Act

Yaaaaaaaaaay. I feel so safe now. Knowing that we can expect a nuke/chem/bio dirty bomb to go off at any moment makes me feel very warm and sound. It's no wonder I drink as much as I do....

Can anyone guess where these were taken?

Choco Update

We swung by City Bakery to taste the Chocolate of the Day. Today's flavor: Ginseng Hot Chocolate. What can I say? I'm not a huge fan of ginseng. But I'm a trooper and I drank it. I gulped the fucker down and it was delicious. The ginseng was underwhelming which was perfect. There was just a hint of it lingering on the tip of my tongue after the chocolate was drank. Would I get it again? Probably not, no. I would stick to the tried and tested hot chocolate that I've come to love.

Chocolicious

One of the best reasons to live around Union Square is the proximity of City Bakery. For those who've never had a hot chocolate from here, you haven't lived! This is ambrosia. If God existed and drank hot chocolate, he would drink it here. Why am I writing this? Because the City Bakery Hot Chocolate Festival is underway. With flavors like Darkest Dark Chocolate Hot Chocolate, Gold-Plated Hot Chocolate and Malted Milk Hot Chocolate, you are guaranteed to experience ecstasy upon your palette.

Quit, Bob, Quit?????

Who the fuck is Bob and why is he quitting smoking? Smoking is good. I try to smoke as much as I can. If I'm not smoking, I'm dreaming of smoking. If I'm not dreaming of smoking, I'm dreaming of Tabby . I love that little guy.

I'm sure you've noticed the bobquits.com ads popping up all over websites lately. Well today, I finally clicked on the ad to explore what the hubbub was all about.

It turns out that Bob is an addicted smoker. Whoa, I never met one of these before. They found this mongrel sporting a "A penny or a million..." cardboard sign outside the 4,5,6 subway entrance in Union Square. They collected this tree hugger and pumped him full of nicotine until his skin turned the color of ash. Now, this poor fiend is supposed to quit this kind habit while blogging about it for all the world to see.

I say, who cares? If you really want to blog about quitting a nasty habit, why not get a real crackhead. Someone who spends their babies food money on the latest batch of afghan red dragon. Can you imagine? A crackhead along the lines of Dave Chappelle's great rendition of the typical dope fiend. Yeah kids, we need a real junkie on the web blogging about the real fix. Now that I think about it, I'm gonna go ahead and nominate certain crackheads in my life to blog about their terrible expulsory habits.

1. Snow White - I haven't written about him much here but let me give you a quick intro: he packs his beak as often as he can. His motto is similar to the Postal Service's: Through Rain, Snow, Sleet or Heat, he'll be packing his horn.

2. Mr. Poo - talk about capital H habit. Whoa! This guy has sold his parents VCRs, universal remotes and jewelry, all for a quick fix in the beaker. The very name Poo is synonymous with pathetic in the cracktionary. If you're packing and you spot Mr. Poo coming your way, RUN, HIDE. Do whatever you can to keep his filthy snout out of your dirt.

3. Cinderella - the ultimate in pathetic losers. Once the clock strikes midnight, instead of running home, my Cinderella runs to Timmmmmmay. Timmy keeps him warm and chock full o'dirt for hours (sometimes days) on end. Once upon a time, Cinderella was full of vitality and much promise. Today, Cinderella is a cracked out dirt fiend and is the most lethal of the three losers portrayed here.

We need to put these three animals in a room together with a camera and some candy. The results would make anything out in blog/reality TV land seem like Little fucking House on the Prairie.

ANDY ROONEY's COMMENTS

This is what Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

"I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Continues here.

One dollar oysters and chocolate paired with wine???? It's 7:50 AM now and I'm already hungry. Daily Candy published it's weekend guide today. You'll find me at Five Points taking advantage of the great oyster prices....

Kerry linked to Jane "spit on US soldiers" Fonda. No matter how hard he may try, he cannot hide the fact that he was and is a radical anti-US ("I'm an internationalist") liberal.

Retards Rejoice

CBS is sponsoring an American Idol type talent show for retarded performers. Open invites have already been sent to Jerry's Kids, JAWONIO and John Kerry supporters. The catch??? I'm a winner. You're a winner. We're all winners. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Tab and Pera were spotted causing a ruckus at Cedar Tavern on Tuesday evening. Rumors of spilled shots, bloody lips and angry barkeeps abound. More on this breaking story as it develops...

2:23PM Update - Tab was heard and seen by a room full of Cedar's diners get up on his chair and bellow at the top of his lilliput lungs "I AM THE KING OF JDATE!!! ALL HAIL THE KING."

I can only surmise what the rest of the diners felt upon witnessing a mildly retarded grown man behave in such a manner. Not to be outdone by Tab, Pera followed suit by grabbing his vodka filled shot glass, he gulped it down and finished it off by slamming the glass down against his table until the only remnants that remained were just shards of glass. Tabby and Pera were quickly, yet boisterously, escorted out of Cedar by none other than Abe Froman - sausage king of Chicago.

At this point, the night took a turn for the worse. Much worse. Tabby and Pera hit Canal Room. The Canal Room struck them back. It wasn't until this morning that Tabby realized that he was missing his cell phone, his mombo king jacket and his sanity.

This story is still breaking and I'm still expecting to hear reports of the actual carnage that went down at Canal Room.

Candidate John Kerry says "I’m an internationalist, I’d like to see our troops dispersed through the world only at the directive of the United Nations.” - is he kidding me?

On the CIA, Kerry said he wanted “to almost eliminate CIA activity." - why stop there? let's dismantle the FBI, NYPD and LAPD as well. who needs the law? [via Drudge]

More on why Kerry SHOULD NOT BE elected at Vietnam Vets against John Kerry.

I just want to say, I am not endorsing George W. Bush here. He's done some things well. He's failed miserably at others. No reason to argue them here. But this John Kerry is not the leader this country desperately needs. He's no different than Jane Cunt Fonda who's protesting resulted in her spitting on returning American soldiers from Vietnam. How fucking dare you, you cunt slut whore!!!! Choose your candidates wisely.

Rocco's Restuarant blows and is imploding like a financial black hole - the Post reports today. Finally!!! NYC chowhounds have been complaining about this hype filled, lackluster eatery since it's inception. We all thought it would get much better after the filming of "The Restaurant" ceased but the wishes were fruitless. I'll be downing my bloody mary's at Great Jones Cafe.

What's playing on my iPod right now? Kanye West's new album College Dropout. Featuring guest appearances by Jay Z, Talib Kweli and Ludacris, this album is a must own for any fan of good music. Despite the massive hype that this album is currently undergoing, I insist that the hype is well deserved. Get the album.

What do you think they mean by "snow" and "skiing"? I wonder if any of my gainfully unemployed acquaintances will be making CL rounds this coming weekend...

The Kid also known as Witzy has been outed via his posting on CL. It seems he's not content with just one or two bedmates. His preference is a 6 pack in the fridge and a 6 pack in the sheets.

The South by Southwest Film Conference and Festival (SXSW) gets underway March 12th and I will not be attending. If I were attending, I would love to see the much anticipated US release of Blackballed. Brant Sersen's first foray into film making has already generated much buzz and I predict very good things for this flick. I've only seen the preview and I couldn't say very much because I was laughing so damn hard.

So long Geneva Steel. It's been a good run. Another dire (and very believable) prediction of America's potential economic suicide. What's the solution you ask?
1. Get short
2. Get armed
3. Get ready to move

It's a hoax!!!

Due to nonforthcoming circumstances, I've regretfully been informed that the engagement is off... Here, in his own words, is Izzy's notification:

WE REGRETFULLY ANNOUNCE THAT THIS PARTY HAS BEEN POSTPOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING.

NOBODY BEATS THE IZ.

CONGRATULATIONZ IZZY AND RACHEL!!!

Jason Israel and Rachel soon to be Israel have decided to tie the knot. Yaaaaaaaaay. More suckers getting on the Titanic with me. Or as Witz would say "Another sucker born every minute." Izz, don't listen to the nay-sayers. You love her. She loves you. Now go and make some babies. One thing though, I insist you name your first born Tab (for boy) or Tabitha (for girl). Congratz and good luck!

The "Evil Eye" comes undone.

If you're looking for space related wallpaper images or if you're just plotting on sending the Animal on a "long trip", look no further:
Hubblesite
Hubble Heritage Gallery

I found these unbelievable pix of a fire on Ave. B. I wonder if Tab was involved.....

Friday morning and I feel like a garbage truck has just run me over. Body aches persist. Don't know how many posts I'll get to today. Tab is a fruitcake. Yaaaaay.

Somebody, please kill me.

Want to be famous too? All you need is a handsome twin brother and the best season tickets daddy's money can buy. Just kidding. I know these buffoons.

Way to go Mike Richter!!!!

Who is the elusive Animal Hater?

Dear Mr. Hater,

I am writing this open-forum letter to you to plead with you to reveal your identity. Who are you sir? What do you do? Who is your daddy and what does he do?

You write in your comments:

Well, well, well, it's nice to see some of you fags came out of the closet to bash the animal hater. Of course you choose to remain anonymous since, as a fag, by nature you have no balls. Tell me something "anonymous", how many long hours have you spent pounding your feces-covered
knob fantasizing about the animal hater getting ass-raped on your imaginary TV show? You should stick to chasing young boys around chelsea since that's obviously your only talent.
Here's a joke for everyone:
What's the difference between "anonymous" and a freezer?

The freezer doesnt queef when you pull the meat out.

To what length will you go to show your disdain for the homosexual community? Your feelings on this subject matter rival those of Daniel Karver - Howard Stern's resident KKK foibler.

You further go on to write:

Balls looks a lot like Borka. And they both suck cock to boot!!

Your thoughts on Tori Spelling:

Did anyone else notice that this fithy whore only registered for bukkake dishes? for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, check out www.bukkake.com. Her sucker fiance probably has no idea what this sick gutter slut is in to. Good luck assholes, you'll be filing for divorce soon enough!!

And last but not least - your savage thoughts regarding a certain Steve Berger:

Berger claims to have ass-raped both Martha Stewart and Joe Kernen aka Malto Joe in some sort of swanky down town NY cooking contest. Probably just another case of diarhhea of the mouth from Berger but he does go on to make the claim that Stewart's "lady fingers" felt warm when inserted in his filthy stink hole.

Wow, what a challange. A grown man acting like a filthy child who still thinks its funny when he shits his own pants....gee, who could it be?? The filthy animal (birth name Berger) is the only "thing" that comes to mind. Not only has he managed to alienate himself from society in New York, but now he spreads his filth in sunny Florida. I can only imagine the frustration felt by all those forced to be in the same room with him on a daily basis. Someone please throw this piece of human trash back in a dumpster behind Burger King.

You stupid filthy animal, I took it upon myself to call the office where you lodge yourself every day and got some actual feedback from those mostly affected by your vile presence. Let’s see what some of your new Florida colleagues had to say about you:
"It is a being so repulsive that had he been born in his natural habitat its mother would have surely eaten him" -Dan
"I had no idea that it was possible for something that's still alive to give off such rotting stench" -Andy
"Social skills on par with that kid that was raised by wolves"-No Name given
"Let's just say I have more respect for a herpes infested hooker" -Rob
"He's a piece of shit, I can’t stand him"-Marc
Well, there were many more but why go on? The point has been made. Couple of months in Florida and already the locals know what we New Yorkers have known for years. The animal is a filthy decrepit life-form the likes of which will hopefully never again be seen.

So now I implore, who is this mysterious persona behind the masked question mark? Are you a German? Are you gainfully employed? Were you once a bunk mate of Steve Berger's? Did you and Mr. Berger once share a sleeping bag? All of these questions carouse thru my mind while I ponder your identity?

Be brave Mr. Hater and show yourself. Show this derelict community who you truly are.

Craigslist post of the day: Apparently dildos are ONLY for fucking.

Ever have a successful CL encounter? If so, you could be the next Average Joe. ABC is doing a piece on successful CL hookups. I remember my first time meeting that bodacious w4m chicky..... Too bad she had a cock. No, just kidding. Just kidding....

I had a very disturbing dream last nite. I believe I was in a bath house. Little munchkin Balls was there with me. It was somewhere in Chelsea. Balls and I were situated in the steam room with just towels wrapped around us. There were other men there, all wearing nothing but towels. The next part of the dream gets sketchy. Balls, being a very short person, was going from man to man, cock to mouth, fluffing them. It was his idea of the Ford assembly line. I awoke in a sweat. When I called Balls, first thing in the morning, he informed he was eating a hot dog and hung up on me. He sounded like he had a real mouthful and couldn't talk....

The following link was blatantly stolen from Gawker. Check out Tori Spelling's Tiffany wedding registry. I think I'll be giving her cash though. Her wedding is supposedly gonna cost a bundle.

What am I listening to on my iPod right now? The American Splendor soundtrack. Send email if you'd like to "borrow" it.

The joke of journalism also known as the New York Times does it again. After today's write up of home cooking classes in the Dining and Wine section - basically the only reason to read this pathetic journal - this flop of toilet literature completely forgets and fails to mention the best cooking teacher in the City today: Anna Teresa Callen. Don't take my word for it, you can ask Molto Mario. He's publicly recommended her cooking classes. Why this article's author - Julia Moskin - disregards to mention her, I'll never know. I can only speculate that journalistic integrty is of little importance at the old Grey Lady.

Anna's current cookbook Abruzzo is on sale at amazon. I recommend it highly.

Sorry about the lack of posts today. Ran around like a headless drunk tabby. Not a pretty picture. In any event, this is what I wish I was doing. Mother Russia, where is my vodka and bacon?

Can anyone figure out who I'm IMing with here? First one to guess correctly gets a $20 gift certificate to Hogs & Heiffers.

me (2:17:07 PM): dude
mongrel (2:17:12 PM): yo
me (2:17:13 PM): how come u irritate people
everywhere u go
mongrel (2:17:22 PM): it's in my nature
me (2:17:32 PM): lol
me (2:17:40 PM): u're a grown man though
mongrel (2:17:40 PM): i am like a skunk i give off an
odor that repels and irritates those around me

continues here

Tab alert!!!

It's been 21 hours since I've last heard from Tab. I was supposed to go watch the Super Bowl chez Tab last night but upon hearing no replies from him since 430pm, I decided to stay home and watch the breast - I mean game.

Now, I'm getting worried. It's not like Tab to just disappear like this. Maybe if today was a Friday and Tab had been on an all night ripper, yeah, then I can see this happening. But on a Monday, for Tab to be MIA like this is quite nerve racking.

I've tried him at work; I've tried him at home. His cell phone is off. Somebody please help me find Tab. I'm putting out an All Points Bulletin in our search for the ever elusive Tabby.

Tab, if you're somewhere out there reading this, please, I emplore you, come home. We're worried to death here.

Monday morning linkage.

Well, well, well. It turns out that yours truly made the cut for wino poster boy.

More on Janet and her nips as well as the streaker guy. When did he do his thing? I missed it during the game. [ty vividblurry]

Who knew that the president of ConEd makes nearly $7Million per year. Are you fucking kidding me? ConEd blows and he's making $7 fucking Million. Something is seriously wrong here. See how little or how much you make compared to Daily News salary survey. [ty Gothamist]

Anyone need a date? [ty Gawker]

Call me childish but I saw nip on CBS tonight.

Network outrage to follow.